The Wordy Conclusion
A student's concluding paragraph reads: "In conclusion, it is important to note that the fact of the matter is that students should really try to get more sleep because sleep is very important and it is a well-known fact that it is necessary for good health and also for good grades and it is something that everyone should think about in today's society." The sentence is 62 words long, uses several empty filler phrases, stacks clauses with "and," and ends on a vague appeal to "today's society." The student's ideas are sound; the problem is entirely in the language.
1. Identify the specific Language Use and Conventions problems and rank them by how much they hurt clarity.
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The biggest problem is redundancy: "it is important to note that the fact of the matter is that" and "it is a well-known fact that" add words without adding meaning, so the reader must dig for the claim. Second is the runaway sentence: five "and"-linked clauses with no subordination force the reader to hold everything at once. Third is vagueness: "really try," "very important," and "today's society" are placeholders where specific language belongs. Convention errors (spelling, punctuation) are minor here-the sentence is technically grammatical. Ranked by impact on clarity: filler > sentence structure > vague diction. A scorer rewards concision and precision, so cutting empty phrases fixes more than fixing commas would.
2. Rewrite the conclusion as two sentences that preserve the meaning and improve the language.
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Model: "Students should prioritize sleep, because adequate rest improves both health and academic performance. Schools and families can support that priority by treating sleep as a scheduling requirement rather than a personal habit." The rewrite removes all filler, splits the run-on into two sentences with clear subjects and verbs, replaces "very important" and "well-known fact" with the actual relationship (rest improves health and performance), and turns "today's society" into a concrete actor (schools and families). No idea was lost; the language now carries the reasoning instead of obscuring it.