The Overdue Notice That Says Too Much
A community centre must send a one-paragraph notice to 40 families whose swimming lesson fees are two weeks overdue. The manager drafts: 'It has come to our attention that certain accounts remain outstanding and unless payment is received immediately your children will be unable to continue attending, which we are sure you will agree would be unfortunate given how much they enjoy the program.' The centre's policy is to keep families enrolled, offer a payment plan, and never threaten removal in a first notice. The notice must fit in a text message of 300 characters, name the amount owed as a placeholder [AMOUNT], give one clear action, and keep a friendly tone.
1. Identify the two biggest writing problems in the draft and explain how each one fails the brief.
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Problem 1: The threat contradicts policy. The phrase 'your children will be unable to continue attending' warns of removal, but the brief says families must stay enrolled and be offered a plan. A reader would panic rather than act.
Problem 2: It buries the action and wastes the character limit. 'It has come to our attention' and 'which we are sure you will agree' are filler that pushes the real message (amount owed, what to do) out of a 300-character budget. The draft also never states [AMOUNT] or a next step.
A fix: 'Hi [NAME], your swimming account has [AMOUNT] owing from the last two weeks. We'd love to keep your child swimming - reply PLAN to set up small weekly payments, or pay at the front desk by Friday. Questions? Call us.' This states the amount, gives one action, offers the plan, and stays warm.
2. Rewrite the notice in under 300 characters. Then state one thing you deliberately left out and why.
Read the worked answer
Rewrite (about 230 characters):
Hi [NAME], a friendly reminder that [AMOUNT] is owing on your child's swimming account. No need to worry - reply PLAN and we'll spread it over weekly payments, or pay at the desk by Friday. Thanks, the team at [CENTRE].
What I left out: the deadline consequence. The policy forbids threatening removal, so naming a penalty would break the brief. I kept 'by Friday' as a gentle prompt without saying what happens if it is missed, because the first notice should invite contact, not warn.
Why it works: the amount is stated, there is one clear action (reply PLAN), the payment plan is offered, and the tone is friendly. Every sentence earns its place inside the limit.