Choosing Between du and Sie in a Delicate Situation
You are a 17-year-old Australian student on a two-week school exchange in Bavaria. You are staying with a host family. The host mother, Frau Huber (about 50), has been warm and has twice said "Du kannst ruhig du zu mir sagen." Her mother, Oma Resi (about 80), lives in the house and is more formal; she has not offered du. At dinner, Oma Resi asks you a direct question about your family, and Frau Huber is in the kitchen. You must answer, and you are unsure which pronoun to use with Oma Resi. You also need to ask Oma Resi to pass the salt.
1. Decide which pronoun to use with Oma Resi and justify it, referring to the offers already made in the household.
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Decision: Use Sie with Oma Resi.
Reasoning:
- An offered du applies only to the person who offered it. Frau Huber's Du kannst ruhig du zu mir sagen does not extend to her mother.
- Oma Resi has not offered du, and older speakers in southern Germany often keep Sie with new acquaintances longer. Using du uninvited could seem presumptuous.
- Sie is the safe default: if she prefers du, she can offer it, and switching from Sie to du after an offer is normal and gracious. Starting with du and being corrected is more awkward.
- The relationship is new and short; there is no cost to formality, but there is a cost to overstepping.
Rule of thumb tested: an offered du is personal, not transferable; when in doubt with an older, more formal person, use Sie until invited otherwise.
2. Write your answer to her question and your request for the salt, in German, using the pronoun you chose.
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A workable reply:
Meine Eltern leben in Adelaide, das ist eine Stadt im Süden von Australien. Meine Mutter arbeitet als Krankenschwester und mein Vater ist Lehrer. Ich habe noch eine jüngere Schwester, sie ist vierzehn. Entschuldigen Sie, könnten Sie mir bitte das Salz reichen?
Why this works:
- Verbs and pronouns are consistently Sie-form: Entschuldigen Sie, könnten Sie mir ... reichen. No accidental du slips in.
- könnten (Konjunktiv II) makes the request polite rather than abrupt (Gib mir das Salz would be wrong with Sie anyway).
- bitte softens the request further.
- The answer to her question is simple and factual, which is appropriate for a first proper conversation with a formal older person - it gives her something to respond to without forcing intimacy.
3. Later, Oma Resi says "Ach, sag ruhig du zu mir." Explain what changes in your language and what does not.
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What changes:
- Pronouns shift from Sie to du: Könntest du mir bitte das Salz reichen?
- Verb endings shift to the du-form: hast du, kannst du, willst du.
- Possessives shift: Ihre Enkelin becomes deine Enkelin.
- The greeting may shift from Guten Tag, Frau Resi toward Hallo plus first name, though many families keep Frau plus first name or a nickname. Follow her lead.
What does not change:
- Politeness stays. du is not permission to be blunt; bitte, könntest du and danke still matter.
- Respect for her age and role stays. The pronoun changed, not the relationship.
- You should not assume the same switch applies to other adults in the house.
Judgement tested: understanding that du/Sie is a social signal, not just grammar, and that a switch is negotiated, not declared.