'Dear respected elders': a persuasive article that forgets its readers
The writing task asks for a 200–250-word article for a Karen youth magazine, read by people aged 14–19, arguing that the community's language class should stay on Wednesday evenings next year. A stimulus sheet supplies two supporting points - attendance rose from 18 to 31 between 2023 and 2024, and three students sat a community language exam - and one counter-argument: some families prefer Sunday afternoons. Mu Tha writes 175 words, opens 'Dear respected elders', repeats 'our language is our heart' four times, never mentions the numbers, does not address the Sunday preference, and stops with 15 minutes left without re-reading.
1. Diagnose the audience and register problem in the opening, and show how an article for these readers should begin.
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The problem is not politeness - it is direction. 'Dear respected elders' is a letter salutation, and it addresses the wrong group. The readers are teenagers, and they are also the people whose attendance decides whether the class survives. Opening by addressing a different, absent audience tells the reader the piece is not for them.
What the genre requires
- A salutation-free opening with a hook: a concrete scene or a question the reader recognises ('Thirty-one of us turned up last year. Where were we on Wednesday nights?')
- Respect inside the argument, not in the frame: elders can be referred to with proper respect as part of the case, while the reader is addressed directly as a participant.
- Direct address to peers - inclusive 'we' used to mean you and me, the readers, not the community as a whole.
Register test: read the first two lines as a 16-year-old in the corridor. If the reaction is 'this isn't about me', the register has failed regardless of how courteous it is.
2. She has 75 words of room and two numbers she has not used. How should she deploy them, and how should she handle the Sunday counter-argument?
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Using the numbers - about 45 words
- Attribute and compare: 'Our own records show attendance rising from 18 in 2023 to 31 in 2024.' Attribution keeps the claim honest and reads as evidence rather than boasting.
- Give the number a meaning: growth is an argument only when connected to a consequence - retention, exam entries, the class being viable.
- Round or simplify rather than stacking figures. Three exam candidates in a 200-word article is a detail; say it once and explain why it matters.
The counter-argument - about 30 words Concede in a clause, then answer it: 'Some families prefer Sunday, and their point about travel is fair - but Sunday clashes with…, and Wednesday is the evening our members actually attend.' This shows the reader that the writer has weighed the alternatives. Ignoring an objection that the reader already knows about reads as evasion.
Word cost check: 45 + 30 = 75, which fits exactly - and only if the repeated 'our language is our heart' lines are reduced to one.
3. She has 15 minutes left. Give her a revision checklist in priority order, with the reason for each rank.
Read the worked answer
Rank by what changes the mark most
- Word count (2 min). 175 words is below the range. Length is a stated requirement, and under-length suggests the argument is incomplete. She needs the evidence paragraph, not padding.
- Audience and framing (2 min). Remove the salutation and rewrite the first line as a hook. This is a small edit with a large effect on how the piece is read.
- Repetition (1 min). Cut three of the four repeated lines. Repetition substitutes for argument and is visible to a marker.
- Counter-argument (3 min). Add the concession-and-answer sentence; without it the piece is one-sided and the stimulus has been half used.
- Address forms and verb endings (4 min). A focused pass for consistency in how people are referred to and how verbs are marked - the errors a marker notices first.
- Structure check (2 min). Does each paragraph do one job? Is the final line a call to action rather than a summary of the introduction?
What not to do: do not recopy the whole piece in neat handwriting. Rewriting consumes the entire 15 minutes and introduces new errors into sentences that were already correct.