Choosing between 'tu' and 'Lei' across one afternoon
You spend an afternoon in Verona with your Italian host sister, Giulia, who is 19. First you meet her grandmother, whom you have not met before. Then you go to a shop where Giulia chats with the owner, a woman in her fifties whom she has known for years. Later you phone the language school office to ask about a timetable change. Finally, at dinner, Giulia's father - whom you have called 'Lei' since you arrived - tells you, 'Dammi del tu, siamo in famiglia.' You must handle four register decisions in one afternoon.
1. For each of the four situations, state which form you use (tu or Lei) and why.
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Grandmother: 'Lei'. First meeting plus age difference means formal is the safe default; she may invite 'dammi del tu', and you then switch. Shop owner: follow Giulia. If Giulia uses 'tu' with her, you may too, but as a newcomer you can stay with 'Lei' until invited - mirroring your host is the reliable cue. School office: 'Lei', because it is an institution and a first contact about admin. Father: switch to 'tu' immediately on his explicit invitation, and acknowledge it ('Grazie, allora ti chiamo [nome]'). The tested judgement is that register is decided by relationship, age, setting and explicit invitation - not by a single fixed rule - and that an invitation to switch should be accepted graciously rather than refused out of politeness.
2. Giulia's father says 'Dammi del tu.' What exactly changes in your speech, and what stays the same?
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Changes: second-person pronouns and verb endings ('tu' instead of 'Lei'; 'come stai' instead of 'come sta'; 'tuo' instead of 'Suo'); imperatives ('prendi' not 'prenda'); and you may use his first name if the family does. Stays the same: the polite register of content - please/thank you ('per favore', 'grazie'), not interrupting, and respectful topics. 'Tu' is not licence for informal rudeness; it is a grammatical shift, not a change in courtesy. A common error is to switch pronouns but keep 'Lei' verb forms ('tu come sta'), which sounds confused. Another is to keep using 'Lei' after the invitation, which can read as distance or as ignoring his gesture.
3. In the shop, Giulia uses 'tu' with the owner but you are unsure. What is the safest move, and how would you phrase a question if you needed to check?
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Safest move: mirror Giulia - if she uses 'tu' comfortably and the owner responds in kind, the relationship permits it; you can use 'tu' too, or stay with 'Lei' briefly, which is never wrong for a newcomer. If you genuinely need to check, ask privately rather than in front of the owner: 'Giulia, con la signora ci diamo del tu o del Lei?' Asking the owner directly ('Lei mi dà del tu?') puts her in an awkward position. The judgement is that observing how your host is addressed is better evidence than any rule about age, and that register errors are recoverable if handled lightly rather than with visible panic.