Gobsmacked, Mega and the Long-Word Trap
A student council is writing to a local hardware business to ask for £300 towards new football kit. The draft opening reads:
'We were basically gobsmacked by how much the last sponsor forked out, and it'd be mega if you could do the same for our kit, which is proper knackered after two seasons.'
The council's adviser says the sentence has to change. The captain disagrees, arguing that 'formal writing means long words', and offers: 'We were exceedingly cognisant of the magnanimous pecuniary contribution of our preceding patron, and would respectfully entreat your good selves to utilise a comparable disbursement.' The same request must also appear as a two-line item in the parents' newsletter.
1. Rewrite the original sentence for the business letter in no more than 35 words, keeping the thanks and the request. Justify three of your changes.
Read the worked answer
Rewrite (27 words): 'We were delighted by the generosity of our last sponsor and would be grateful if you could support our football kit, which needs replacing after two seasons.'
Justifications.
- 'gobsmacked' → 'delighted'. The letter is thanking someone. 'Gobsmacked' reports astonishment at the size of a gift, which comes close to commenting on the donor's money rather than expressing gratitude.
- 'forked out' → 'generosity'. 'Fork out' carries a built-in hint of reluctance, so thanking a sponsor with it insults the person being thanked.
- 'it'd be mega if you could do the same' → 'would be grateful if you could support'. The original is vague in its amount and blunt in its demand. The rewrite names the object (the kit) and leaves the reader room to decide, which is what a request to a business should do.
What must not be lost: the specific sum (£300, given in the brief) and the reason the kit is needed. Precision persuades; vagueness does not.
2. Explain why the captain's 'long-word' version is worse than the original, and say what register actually requires.
Read the worked answer
It is worse, not more formal.
- 'Exceedingly cognisant' is not a more formal way of saying 'delighted'; it is a longer way of saying something slightly different, and it forces the reader to translate.
- 'Pecuniary contribution' hides a simple idea - money - behind two abstract nouns.
- 'Your good selves' is archaic; a business reader will find it comic, which is the opposite of the effect intended.
- 'Utilise' adds no meaning to 'use'.
- The sentence is nearly twice as long as the original for the same content, and it drops the £300, which was the most persuasive thing in the draft.
What register actually requires is fit between language and situation: who reads this, what they need to know, and how much distance is appropriate. Formality shows in complete sentences, standard spelling, no slang, no contractions and a respectful distance from the reader - not in Latin roots.
The judgement: both drafts fail for the same underlying reason. The first is too close to the reader for a business request; the second is dressed up in borrowed clothes. The newsletter item, by contrast, should sound warmer than the letter, because its readers already belong to the school.