Revising a Persuasive Paragraph
Marcus wrote this paragraph for a persuasive letter to the school council about adding a water-bottle filling station:
'Students are always thirsty. Everyone knows the old water fountains are gross and probably full of germs. A filling station would be good because it is good for students and the environment. Lots of other schools have them, I think. Also, plastic bottles are bad. The school should definitely install one, and it won't even cost that much. In conclusion, this is a great idea that everyone will love.'
His teacher's feedback: 'Your opinion is clear, but the paragraph needs specific evidence, fewer absolute words like everyone and always, and a clearer link between each claim and your point. Fix at least three problems.' The letter is due Friday.
1. Identify three specific weaknesses in Marcus's paragraph and explain why each weakens his argument.
Read the worked answer
Absolute and unsupported claims: 'Students are always thirsty,' 'Everyone knows,' 'everyone will love.' These overstate and are easy to challenge; one student who disagrees undermines 'everyone.' They make the writer seem careless.
Vague or missing evidence: 'gross and probably full of germs,' 'it won't even cost that much,' 'Lots of other schools have them, I think.' Words like probably and I think signal guesses. A reader cannot verify any of it, so the argument rests on opinion alone.
Weak or circular reasoning: 'A filling station would be good because it is good for students and the environment.' This restates the claim instead of giving a reason. 'Plastic bottles are bad' is asserted but not connected to the filling station.
The judgment tested is spotting overstatement, unsupported claims, and circular reasoning - and explaining the effect on the reader, not just naming the flaw.
2. Rewrite the weakest two sentences to be more convincing, and explain what you changed.
Read the worked answer
Original 1: 'Everyone knows the old water fountains are gross and probably full of germs.' Rewrite: 'The two fountains near the gym are often out of order, and the one that works runs warm water, so many students bring disposable bottles instead.' Why: replaces 'everyone knows' and 'probably' with observable, checkable detail, and it sets up the need for a station.
Original 2: 'A filling station would be good because it is good for students and the environment.' Rewrite: 'A filling station would let students refill reusable bottles during the day, which cuts the disposable bottles the school throws out each week.' Why: replaces the circular 'good because it is good' with a concrete cause-and-effect link between the station and a benefit.
The skill tested is revision: converting vague, absolute, circular statements into specific, verifiable, logically connected ones while keeping the writer's opinion.