The Persuasive Paragraph Revision
A student writes: 'Our school should start later because teenagers need more sleep. Studies show teens need about 9 hours. Many students are tired in first period. Also, buses would need to be rescheduled, but that is a minor issue. Therefore, a later start is clearly the best solution for everyone.' A teacher notes three problems: the paragraph assumes what it should prove, dismisses a real obstacle too quickly, and overstates the conclusion. The student must revise while keeping the same position.
1. Identify each of the three problems in the student's paragraph with the exact phrase that shows it.
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- Assumes what it should prove: 'Our school should start later because teenagers need more sleep' states the conclusion as the reason; needing sleep does not by itself prove the school should change. 2. Dismisses a real obstacle: 'that is a minor issue' waves away bus rescheduling without evidence. 3. Overstates the conclusion: 'clearly the best solution for everyone' claims universal benefit that the evidence (tired first period) cannot support.
2. Rewrite the paragraph in 3-4 sentences that fixes all three problems without changing the position.
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Model revision: 'Teenagers need about 9 hours of sleep, and many students report being tired in first period, which suggests the current start time may not fit their sleep needs. A later start could help, though bus schedules would need to be adjusted. That adjustment is a practical cost worth planning for, not a reason to reject the idea. A later start is therefore a promising change that the school should consider, provided transportation can be reworked.' This version grounds the claim in evidence, acknowledges the bus issue honestly, and limits the conclusion to 'promising and worth considering' rather than 'best for everyone.'