The Paragraph Nobody Can Act On
A subordinate drafts the following for an interagency coordination cable:
"It was determined by the undersigned that a meeting that was held on 14 April, which was attended by representatives of the contractor as well as personnel from the logistics office, was one at which concerns were raised regarding the aforementioned delays, and it is recommended that, going forward, consideration be given to the possibility of perhaps revising the schedule, which is something that all stakeholders should be involved in."
The underlying facts: the 14 April meeting raised concerns about shipment delays. No decision was made. The office's position is that the delivery schedule should be reviewed, and the logistics office should circulate a revised draft for comment by 1 May. The office chief tells you to "make it say we decided to revise the schedule."
1. Identify the four most damaging defects in the draft, quoting the specific words and stating the cost to the reader.
Read the worked answer
- "It was determined by the undersigned" - an expletive passive that spends six words hiding the only actor in the sentence. The reader cannot tell who decided or whether the writer is the decision-maker.
- Chained relative clauses: "that was held... which was attended... was one at which... which is something that" - the grammatical subject never lands. By the time the reader reaches the verb, working memory is gone and the sentence has to be re-read.
- Buried lead. The only decision-relevant content - review the schedule - arrives around word 45. A reader who skims the first line learns nothing and stops.
- Stacked hedging: "recommended... consideration be given to the possibility of perhaps" - four layers of qualifier. The reader cannot tell whether this is a decision, a suggestion, or an idle thought, which is precisely the information the cable exists to convey.
Also fatal but secondary: "the aforementioned delays" has no antecedent anywhere in the paragraph, and "all stakeholders should be involved" names no owner, no product, and no date.
2. Rewrite the paragraph in 70 words or fewer, lead first, preserving the actual status of the schedule question.
Read the worked answer
"On 14 April, contractor and logistics office representatives met and raised concerns about shipment delays. No decision was made at the meeting. This office recommends that the delivery schedule be reviewed, and asks the logistics office to circulate a revised draft for comment by 1 May."
Why it works: the reader knows in sentence one what happened and in sentence two what is being asked and by when. "No decision was made" is doing real work - it prevents the reader from assuming the review is already approved. Every word is a noun the reader can act on or a date he can calendar.
3. The office chief directs you to write that a decision to revise the schedule was made. How do you handle it?
Read the worked answer
Surface the mismatch, then offer two accurate ways to get what he wants. The meeting record shows concerns raised and no decision. Writing "we decided to revise the schedule" creates a document that the meeting minutes, and probably several attendees, will contradict. In a cable that other agencies rely on, that is not a wording problem; it is a credibility problem that will be used against the office the next time it asserts something.
Option A - if the chief is in fact deciding now: "On 14 April, representatives raised concerns about shipment delays. On 20 April this office decided to revise the delivery schedule; the logistics office will circulate a revised draft for comment by 1 May." That is accurate, gives him the outcome he wants, and separates the meeting from the decision with a date and a decision-maker.
Option B - if he is not: keep "recommends" and tell him plainly why. If he insists, ask him to state the decision in writing or on the record so the file reflects who decided and when.
The wrong moves are silent compliance, which puts your name on a false record, and flat refusal, which is a fight about authority when the real issue is a fixable sentence.