118 Words and One Missing Bullet: A Grade 2 Email Draft
Sora is preparing for Grade 2 and has to write an email of 80 to 100 words. The task: an Australian friend, Ben, is visiting Japan in March, and the email must (1) say why she is writing, (2) suggest a day and place to meet, and (3) ask Ben one question about his trip. Her draft runs to 118 words. It opens with two sentences about the weather in Osaka ('It is getting colder these days. I hope you are staying warm.'), then explains that she is excited about his visit, suggests meeting at Umeda Station on Saturday 14 March at 11 a.m., and closes with 'I am looking forward to hearing from you. See you soon!' She never asks Ben a question. Her grammar is clean and her vocabulary is accurate but plain. In class she writes quickly and refuses to cut anything, saying that 'longer looks better'.
1. Evaluate the draft against the task and the four scoring criteria before changing any language.
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Judge the draft against the task before touching the English.
- Content. The task has three required points. She covers (1) the purpose and (2) a day, place and time, and misses (3) a question about Ben's trip. Missing one of three points is the largest loss on the sheet, bigger than any grammar slip in this draft.
- Relevance. The two weather sentences are not wrong English; they are unfilled space. In an 80 to 100 word email, roughly 18 words are gone before the purpose even appears.
- Structure. Purpose, suggestion, question, closing is a clean four-move shape. She has three of the four moves, and the missing one is the move the reader needs in order to reply.
- Vocabulary and grammar. Both are accurate and plain; nothing here is losing points. Rewriting sentences for style would be the wrong use of her time.
- Length. 118 words is over the limit. Being over earns no extra credit and costs the minutes she could spend checking the three bullets.
The correction is subtractive before it is additive: remove the weather, add the question, land inside the range.
2. Show how to revise the draft so it covers all three bullets and sits inside 80 to 100 words. Count the words as you go.
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Cut first, then add, so she never pads.
After removing the weather sentences and 'See you soon!':
- Opening: 'Hi Ben, I'm writing because I heard you're visiting Japan in March.' (12 words)
- Suggestion: 'Shall we meet at Umeda Station on Saturday 14 March at 11 a.m.? There is a good cafe on the second floor.' (24 words)
- Question: 'How long will you stay in Osaka, and would you like to see Kyoto as well?' (16 words)
- Closing: 'I'm looking forward to hearing from you.' (7 words)
That is 59 words, under the 80-word floor. The fix is not filler but sentences that serve an existing bullet:
- Add a reason to the suggestion: 'We can have lunch there before we walk to the castle, which is only ten minutes away.' (19 words, total 78)
- Add a second question tied to the trip: 'Also, have you booked your flight yet?' (8 words, total 86)
With a greeting line and a sign-off, the draft sits around 92 words: inside the range, all three bullets covered.
Two rules to give her: every sentence must serve bullet 1, 2 or 3, and word count is checked at the planning stage (12 + 25 + 15 + 10 + 8 + 8), not after the email is finished.
3. She asks whether she should keep 'I'm looking forward to hearing from you.' How would you answer, and what does that reveal about her belief that longer is better?
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Sometimes: one formulaic frame earns its place, two do not.
- What the closing buys. It signals register and closes the email politely in seven words. For a rubric that includes structure and vocabulary, a recognisable opening and closing frame is functional even when it is memorised. Raters do not deduct points for a standard closing.
- What it costs. Seven of her hundred words. With the weather sentences removed, she can afford it.
- What must go. 'See you soon!' duplicates the closing and adds nothing; keeping two closings is exactly where formulaic language starts to displace content. The weather sentences go for the same reason: 18 words serving none of the three bullets.
- Priority order to teach. All three bullets covered, then inside 80 to 100 words, then one greeting and one closing, then varied vocabulary. A memorised closing never outranks a missing bullet.
- On 'longer looks better'. Over-length emails do not score higher. Her 118-word draft loses to an 85-word draft that asks a question, because the missing question is a content loss while the extra 18 words are not a content gain.
- Where to spend the saved effort. One added reason in the suggestion, which touches both content and vocabulary without any length risk.