Writing Task: Reducing Redundancy and Adding a Concessive Counterargument
Pablo is writing the PAU writing task (120–150 words) on the prompt: 'Some schools have banned mobile phones. Do you agree?' He has 25 minutes left and has written this opening: 'Nowadays, phones are everywhere. In my opinion, I think they should be banned because they distract students. Also, they can be used to cheat. But phones are useful for learning.' He wants a mark in the top band, which requires clear organisation, appropriate register, and varied connectors. He is unsure whether to keep 'In my opinion, I think' and whether to add a counterargument. The rubric penalises repetition and informal fillers like 'also' at the start of sentences. He has a 150-word limit and his current draft is 48 words.
1. Improve the opening sentence(s) for register and redundancy, keeping Pablo's position clear.
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Revised opening: 'Mobile phones should be banned in schools because they distract students and can be used to cheat.' This removes the double opinion phrase 'In my opinion, I think' (both express the same idea) and cuts the generic filler 'Nowadays, phones are everywhere.' A top-band opening states a clear position without wasted words. If Pablo wants a softer tone, he can write 'I believe that mobile phones should be banned...' but he should not use two opinion markers together. The rubric rewards lexical precision, so replacing 'Also' with 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' later will also help.
2. Suggest how Pablo can include a counterargument without weakening his position, and give a model sentence using a concessive connector.
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He should acknowledge the opposite view briefly and then rebut it. A concessive connector shows advanced grammar and coherent organisation. Model sentence: 'Admittedly, phones can support learning through educational apps, but they also create constant distraction in class.' The pattern is: concession ('Admittedly...') + main clause with 'but' or 'however'. Place this before the conclusion so the essay ends on Pablo's position. Do not let the counterargument dominate; one sentence is enough in a 120–150-word task. This move typically moves a script from a mid-band to a higher band because it demonstrates awareness of complexity.
3. Decide whether 'Also' at the start of 'Also, they can be used to cheat' is acceptable in this PAU writing task, and justify your decision.
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It is grammatically possible but stylistically weak for a top-band essay. 'Also' at the beginning of a sentence is common in informal speech and writing, but the PAU rubric rewards formal register and varied connectors. Better choices are 'Furthermore', 'In addition', or 'Moreover'. 'Also' is not an error, so it would not necessarily lose all marks, but it contributes to a repetitive, conversational tone. Pablo should prioritise accuracy first; if he is unsure of 'furthermore', 'in addition' is safe and formal.