The refund email with three contrast linkers and no clear 'they'
Imma, 17, writes a formal email to a language school after a cancelled weekend course. Her draft contains these sentences in this order: (1) 'Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing to ask for a refund.' (2) 'However, I paid 200 euros in March.' (3) 'Besides, the course was cancelled two days before it started.' (4) 'They told me by phone, but nobody answered my emails.' (5) 'On the other hand, I could not attend the replacement class.' (6) 'Therefore, please answer me as soon as possible.' She has used three contrast/additive linkers without checking the logical relation, and 'They' has no clear antecedent. The task requires 100-120 words and a formal register. She has 10 minutes left and asks whether she should add 'I am looking forward to hearing from you.'
1. Identify the logical problem with each of the three linkers ('However', 'Besides', 'On the other hand') and replace them with linkers that fit the relations between the sentences.
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'However' in (2) signals contrast, but paying in March is not a contrast with asking for a refund; it is the reason the refund is relevant. Replace it with sequencing or cause: 'I paid 200 euros in March for the weekend course.' No linker is needed, or use 'The course, however, was cancelled ...' later.
'Besides' in (3) is additive and slightly informal in this position. The cancellation is not an extra point added to payment; it is the event that triggers the refund. Use 'The course was cancelled two days before it started' and, if a linker is needed, 'In addition' is possible but unnecessary.
'On the other hand' in (5) introduces a contrasting alternative, but the inability to attend the replacement class is a consequence of the cancellation, not a contrast with it. Use 'Although I was offered a replacement class, I could not attend it.'
'Therefore' in (6) is acceptable because the request follows from the facts, but 'please answer me' is abrupt. Better: 'I would therefore be grateful if you could process my refund.'
2. Rewrite the body of the email as a coherent 100-120-word formal text. Fix the reference of 'They' and explain your changes.
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Rewritten body (108 words):
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to ask for a refund. I paid 200 euros in March for the weekend course. However, the course was cancelled two days before it started. The school informed me by phone, but nobody answered my emails. Although I was offered a replacement class, I could not attend it. I would therefore be grateful if you could process my refund as soon as possible. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully, Imma Puig
Changes and reasons:
- 'They' becomes 'The school' because the original pronoun could refer to the school, the teachers or the course organisers.
- 'However' now marks a real contrast: she paid, but the service was cancelled.
- 'Although' turns the replacement class into a concession inside one sentence, which removes the false contrast of 'On the other hand'.
- 'I would be grateful if you could' is the standard formal request formula and is softer than 'please answer me'.
- The word count is 108, inside the 100-120 limit.
3. Should Imma add 'I am looking forward to hearing from you'? Decide, justify, and give the best placement and form.
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Yes, but in the standard form and in the right place. The phrase closes a formal letter politely and signals that a reply is expected. Without it, the email ends on a request that can sound demanding.
Form: 'I look forward to hearing from you' is the most conventional in British formal correspondence. 'I am looking forward to hearing from you' is also acceptable and slightly warmer; it is not wrong. Because the school is unnamed, the closing should be 'Yours faithfully', not 'Yours sincerely'.
Placement: immediately before the closing, after the request: 'I would therefore be grateful if you could process my refund as soon as possible. I look forward to hearing from you. Yours faithfully,'. Do not place it after 'please answer me', because that would repeat the same request in two different registers and make the ending repetitive.