Improving an Off-Topic Opinion Essay
Writing prompt: Your school magazine asks: 'Should Santiago de Compostela limit the number of tourist apartments in the old town?' Write an opinion essay of 120-150 words, giving reasons and a conclusion. Candidate draft (78 words): 'I think tourism is bad because a lot of people come and things are expensive. In Santiago there are many tourists and they make noise. Also I went to the beach last summer and it was full of people. The old town is nice but I don't like crowds. We should stop all tourism because it is bad for the city. In conclusion, tourism is a problem.' The candidate has 45 minutes and must improve the draft without changing the topic.
1. Diagnose three problems with the draft in relation to the prompt and the 120-150 word requirement. Be specific.
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Off-topic material: the beach anecdote does not address tourist apartments in Santiago's old town. It may be true, but it does not answer the question.
Overgeneralised and extreme position: 'stop all tourism' ignores jobs and residents' dependence on visitors, and there is no concession or counterargument. An opinion essay needs a defensible position, not a slogan.
Underdeveloped and under length: 78 words is far below 120-150; there is no paragraphing, no clear conclusion with a recommendation, and vague wording such as 'things are expensive'. The essay also uses informal 'a lot of' instead of a more precise phrase.
2. Rewrite the draft as a model 120-150 word essay with clear paragraphing, a concession, and a conclusion. Then list two linking devices you used and their function.
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Santiago de Compostela's old town is one of Galicia's greatest assets, but the growth of tourist apartments has created real tensions. I believe the city should limit them, though not ban them outright.
Firstly, residents are being pushed out. When flats become short-term lets, rents rise and local families move away, which empties the historic centre of everyday life. Secondly, uncontrolled tourism can damage the very atmosphere visitors come to see: narrow streets become crowded and noise increases at night.
However, tourism supports jobs in bars, guides and shops. A cap should therefore be gradual: license new apartments only in certain streets, inspect them, and use the income to fund affordable housing.
In conclusion, limiting tourist apartments is not anti-tourism; it is a way to protect Santiago's old town for both residents and visitors.
Linking devices: Firstly/Secondly sequence the reasons; However introduces a concession; therefore marks a consequence; In conclusion signals the closing judgement.
3. What two additions would raise the word count to 120-150 without padding?
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Add concrete consequences and a brief counterargument with a rebuttal. For example, explain one effect of short-term lets on local rents or on the number of family-run shops, then acknowledge that tourism provides employment and answer that a cap can be gradual rather than a total ban. These additions develop the argument rather than repeat it; they also supply the specific detail that the original draft lacks.