Writing: An Overlong Essay with an Off-Task Personal Paragraph
In a timed writing practice, the task is: 'Some schools require uniforms; others allow free choice. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Write 120–150 words.' A candidate submits 181 words. The essay has four paragraphs: introduction, a paragraph arguing uniforms reduce bullying, a paragraph about the price of uniforms in their town and an anecdote about a football shirt, and a conclusion that says uniforms are good. Language is generally accurate: three minor errors and good linking. The department's grid gives 3 points for task achievement (content, length, format), 3 for organisation, 3 for language; length outside 120–150 by more than 10% is penalised under task achievement. The candidate used 30 minutes and wrote a brief plan first. The teacher must decide a score and what to prioritise in feedback.
1. Identify the main task-achievement problems in the essay and decide whether they are primarily content, length or format issues.
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It is a combination of length and content; format is fine.
At 181 words the essay is 31 words over 150, about 21% over, and beyond the 10% tolerance of 165 words, so the grid requires a task-achievement penalty. The content problem is separate: the second view (free choice) is never argued. The price paragraph and football-shirt anecdote are personal and only loosely connected to the debate, and the conclusion asserts 'uniforms are good' without weighing the two views. The introduction and the bullying paragraph are relevant, so this is not a total failure; the candidate has simply not covered the second view and has spent words on narrative detail.
2. Propose a revision plan that brings the essay within 120–150 words while improving coverage. Give approximate word savings and the final target.
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Current: 181 words. Cut the football-shirt anecdote (about 35 words) and condense the uniform-price paragraph to one relevant sentence (about 20 words saved). That gives roughly 126 words. Add one sentence for the free-choice view, for example: 'Others argue that uniforms suppress individuality and can cost families money' (about 15 words), and one short evaluative sentence in the conclusion (about 5 words). Final target: about 146 words. Keep four paragraphs, but replace the price anecdote with the missing view. The arithmetic matters: 181 − 35 − 20 = 126; 126 + 15 + 5 = 146, which is inside 120–150 and closer to the upper limit without exceeding it.
3. How should the teacher weigh the strong language accuracy when awarding the final score?
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Language is a separate criterion, so the strong grammar and linking should be rewarded there. They cannot compensate for task achievement: the candidate has not discussed both views and has exceeded the word limit. A defensible profile is high language, moderate organisation, low task achievement. In feedback, praise the accurate linking and sentence control, then show how the same language could be redirected: for instance, reuse the football-shirt sentence as a brief example of individual expression rather than as an anecdote. This avoids the common over-reward of fluent but off-task writing.