Connectors added for marks but not for meaning
A B2 student writes an essay arguing that schools should teach practical finance. One paragraph reads: 'Finance should be taught at school. Moreover, it helps students manage money. Moreover, it prepares them for adult life. Moreover, some teachers are not trained. However, the subject is useful. This is why it is important. Kids need it.' The essay has 165 words, within range, and grammar is mostly accurate. The task asks for 'coherence and cohesion', and the mark scheme rewards 'a clear line of argument with appropriate linking devices'. The student's teacher notes that 'moreover' appears five times, 'however' introduces a point that supports rather than contrasts, and 'This' has no clear antecedent. The student says he added connectors 'to get cohesion marks'. The exam is next week.
1. Explain why adding 'moreover' five times does not earn cohesion marks. Refer to the function of each connector in the paragraph.
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Cohesion marks reward logical relationships, not the number of linking words. 'Moreover' signals additional support for the same point, so it is appropriate before 'it helps students manage money' and 'it prepares them for adult life'. It is wrong before 'some teachers are not trained', which is a concession or counterpoint, not another benefit. The reader expects a contrast signal such as 'However' or 'Nevertheless' there.
The later 'However, the subject is useful' is also mislabelled: being useful continues the argument, so 'however' creates a false contrast. The result is a paragraph whose signposts contradict its logic. Repeating one connector also makes the style mechanical and reduces the range descriptor. The fix is to decide the relationship first, then choose a device: addition ('furthermore'), contrast ('however'), consequence ('therefore'), or concession ('although').
2. Rewrite the paragraph so the argument is coherent. Keep the same ideas and write about 60–80 words.
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Model rewrite (63 words): 'Finance should be taught at school. It helps students manage money and prepares them for adult life. However, some teachers are not trained to teach it, so schools would need to provide training before introducing the subject. Although this would take time and money, financial skills are too important to leave to chance. For this reason, the subject should be part of the curriculum.'
Changes and reasons:
- 'Moreover' is kept only for genuine addition in sentence two.
- 'However' now introduces the real counterpoint: teacher training.
- 'Although' concedes the cost before the final judgement, which makes the argument sound balanced.
- 'For this reason' links the conclusion to the previous sentence instead of leaving 'This is why' vague.
- 'Kids' becomes 'students', matching the formal register of an essay.
3. Identify the reference problem with 'This is why it is important' and propose two repairs.
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'This' is a demonstrative pronoun looking for a single clear antecedent, but three candidates precede it: the subject being useful, the lack of trained teachers, or the general need for finance education. The reader cannot tell which one causes the importance. The sentence is therefore grammatically connected but logically empty.
Repair 1 - name the cause: 'Because financial skills affect everyday decisions, the subject is important.' Here 'because' replaces the vague pronoun with an explicit reason.
Repair 2 - summarise the preceding point: 'This gap between what students need and what schools teach is why the subject matters.' Now 'This gap' has one referent: the mismatch just described.
A quick test is to ask what noun could replace 'This'. If two or three nouns fit, the reference is ambiguous and needs naming.