Choosing a Conclusion Under a 650-Word Limit
Mr. Okafor's eighth graders are revising conclusions for a 650-word argument essay on whether middle schools should start at 8:45 a.m. instead of 7:30 a.m. Priya's draft conclusion reads: "In conclusion, later start times are good. Many students are tired. Schools should change the schedule because it would help." Her partner suggests two revisions. Revision A: "Later start times would help our school because the current 7:30 a.m. bell forces many students to board buses before 6:45. The evidence in this essay shows that a later bell can reduce tardiness and improve first-period focus. Our district should pilot an 8:45 start for one semester and review the data." Revision B: "Later start times are good for many reasons. A 2019 study found 73 percent of teens get insufficient sleep, and our school's attendance rate is 94 percent. Also, my cousin says she feels better when she sleeps in. In conclusion, this is why the schedule should change." The class must choose which revision better meets the task and then revise the weaker one.
1. Which revision better meets the purpose of a conclusion for this argument essay? Explain using at least two details from the revisions, and name one problem in the weaker revision.
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Revision A is stronger. A conclusion for an argument essay should restate the claim, remind readers how the essay's evidence supports it, and leave them with a reasonable next step. Revision A does all three: it ties the claim to the current 7:30 bell, refers back to evidence already presented ("tardiness" and "first-period focus"), and proposes a limited pilot with a review. Revision B fails as a conclusion because it introduces a new 2019 statistic and a personal cousin anecdote. New evidence belongs in body paragraphs, where it can be explained and cited; a cousin's experience is anecdotal and cannot carry an eighth-grade argument. Revision B also repeats "good" without defining the benefit. The main problem is not that B is informal; it is that B changes the argument at the end instead of closing it.
2. Rewrite the weaker conclusion in two to three sentences so it would be acceptable. Keep the original claim, use only evidence already implied in the setup, and avoid the problems you identified.
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Weak: "In conclusion, later start times are good. Many students are tired. Schools should change the schedule because it would help." Rewrite: "A later start time is worth trying because the current 7:30 a.m. schedule leaves many students tired and less ready for first period. The evidence in this essay links a later bell to better attendance and focus. Our district should test an 8:45 start for one semester and compare tardiness and first-period data before deciding." This version keeps the claim, synthesizes rather than introduces evidence, and gives a feasible next step. It also avoids the cousin anecdote and the unexplained 2019 statistic. The revision still sounds like an eighth grader, not a policy brief; the goal is coherence, not sophistication.