Tightening a Workplace Memo About a Scheduling App
A warehouse supervisor writes a 180-word memo to 12 part-time employees about switching from paper shift schedules to a mobile app. The draft includes: “It is requested that all employees will be required to download the app by Friday, and they need to do this so that they can be able to see their shifts.” Later: “The new system is user-friendly and has a low learning curve, which is good.” A third sentence reads, “If you don’t download it, you won’t get paid.” The supervisor wants a professional but friendly tone, clear deadlines, and no ambiguity about who must act. The company style guide discourages jargon, wordy phrasing, and contractions in formal notices. The memo must fit on one screen, about 150 words.
1. Revise the first quoted sentence for conciseness and clarity.
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Rewrite as: “All employees must download the app by Friday to view their shifts.” The original stacks a passive request (“It is requested”), a redundant future obligation (“will be required”), and a wordy purpose clause (“need to do this so that they can be able to”). The revision keeps the deadline and the actor (all employees) while reducing the sentence from 29 words to 12. It also avoids the ambiguous “they,” which could be read as referring to the app or the employees. The tone remains formal and direct, consistent with a company notice.
2. Replace “user-friendly and has a low learning curve, which is good” with a more precise phrase.
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Replace the phrase with “The app is easy to learn” or, if the supervisor can verify it, “Most employees can learn the app in about ten minutes.” The original is redundant: “user-friendly” and “has a low learning curve” make nearly the same point, and “which is good” adds a vague judgment rather than information. A precise phrase tells employees what to expect and keeps the memo within its one-screen limit. Avoid “which is good” because it reads as filler and weakens the professional tone.
3. Revise “If you don’t download it, you won’t get paid” to preserve the consequence without sounding threatening or inaccurate.
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Revise to: “Employees who do not download the app by Friday will not be able to view their schedules.” This states the consequence factually and accurately. The original “you won’t get paid” is both threatening and probably false: missing an app download may prevent schedule access, but it does not logically justify withholding pay. The revision also names the affected group (“Employees who…”) instead of using “you,” which keeps the memo professional while still being clear about who must act.