Writing: Cutting 45 Words Without Losing a Content Point
Ana is writing a 180-word email for a guided writing task. The task requires three points: (1) apologise for missing a meeting, (2) explain that a train strike caused the delay, and (3) propose a new time next week. Her draft is 225 words. It opens with two long sentences about the weather and her busy month. It includes the apology and the train strike, but the new time is only implied: 'Perhaps we can speak soon.' Her teacher's feedback says: 'Good range of vocabulary; watch task achievement and length.' Ana has 10 minutes to revise. She likes her opening because it shows a friendly tone. She must decide what to cut first and whether to add a specific new time.
1. What should Ana change first, and why is adding a specific new time more urgent than trimming adjectives?
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Ana should secure the third content point first, because task achievement is a primary criterion and the new time is currently only implied. 'Perhaps we can speak soon' does not clearly propose a time next week. She should add something concrete, for example: 'Could we meet next Tuesday at 10 a.m.?' That adds only a few words but protects a required point. After that, she should cut the weather and 'busy month' opening, which does not earn content marks and accounts for much of the 45-word overrun. Trimming adjectives alone would improve style but would not fix the missing point. The priority order is: complete all three points, stay within the word limit, then polish tone and vocabulary. Her friendly tone can be kept in one short opening sentence rather than two long ones.
2. Rewrite Ana's opening and ending to move the draft toward the target, and explain your word-count choices.
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A workable revision is: 'Dear Mr Kovač, I'm sorry I missed Monday's meeting. A train strike delayed my journey, so I could not arrive on time. Could we meet next Tuesday at 10 a.m. to catch up?' This opening is about 35 words and includes all three points: apology, train strike, and a specific new time. The original opening about the weather and her busy month can be removed entirely; it was friendly but not required. The ending no longer depends on 'Perhaps we can speak soon', which was vague. Ana still needs to check the total, but this revision cuts roughly 30 to 40 words from the opening while adding a clear proposal. The tone remains polite because 'I'm sorry' and 'Could we meet' are direct but not abrupt.