Off-Topic but Well-Written: Scoring a 280-Word Essay
A candidate submits a 280-word essay on 'Ka jingdonkam jong ka jingpule' (the importance of reading). The essay opens with a vivid description of a football match, spends 180 words on a local tournament, then states, 'Reading is also important because it helps us read.' It ends with 'Thus, reading is good.' The rubric is content 8, organization 6, language 6. The department requires a 300-word minimum; the candidate has 280. Another teacher wants to award 14/20 because the language is fluent. The head of department must decide the content and organization scores, whether to apply the length penalty, and what feedback to give so that the candidate revises rather than only feels penalised.
1. Apply the rubric and justify each score.
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Content: 3/8. The topic is reading, but only about 80 words address it; the football narrative is off-topic even if vivid. The sentence 'reading helps us read' is circular and adds no information. Organization: 3/6 because there is a clear beginning and end, but the body is dominated by one irrelevant block; the thesis appears late. Language: 4/6 for fluent sentences but repetition and a weak ending. Total 10/20, not 14/20. The length is 280 words, 20 short of 300; apply the department's penalty only if it is specified as a separate deduction-do not double-penalise through content. The 14/20 proposal overweights fluency and ignores relevance.
2. Write the feedback comment, naming the ratio of on-topic to off-topic words.
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Feedback: 'Your opening is vivid, but 180 of 280 words describe football. The question asks about reading. Keep one football sentence as a hook, then state a thesis: reading builds vocabulary, knowledge, and empathy. Replace the tournament with two examples from your own reading. The sentence "reading helps us read" is circular; explain what reading gives you. Your language is fluent, so the revision should focus on relevance and structure, not on correcting grammar.' This names the ratio, preserves the candidate's strength, and gives a concrete replacement task.
3. Propose a revision outline that would raise the content and organization scores without changing the language score.
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Paragraph 1: one-sentence football hook plus thesis on reading. Paragraph 2: vocabulary and school learning, with one specific example. Paragraph 3: empathy or imagination, with a second example. Paragraph 4: a counterpoint, such as reading versus screens, and a conclusion that returns to the thesis. This outline would move content to 6/8 because most words would be on topic, and organization to 5/6 because each paragraph would have one job. Language can stay at 4/6; the candidate should not be asked to produce more complex sentences until relevance is fixed.