Editing a Customer Communication Before Bulk Dispatch
A branch manager has drafted this message to customers: 'Dear Customer, We are pleased to informing you that our branch have launched a new fixed deposit scheme. The scheme offer interest at 7.25% for 15 months, which is higher than any other bank. Customers whom maintain a minimum balance of ₹10,000 can open the deposit. Kindly note that the scheme will be closed on 30 September, so you must visit the branch earliest. We apologies for any inconvenience and request you to contact the branch for more details.' The regional office asks you to review the draft before it is sent to 4,000 customers. You must correct language errors, remove an unverifiable claim, and fix a misleading instruction. The branch's standard 12-month fixed deposit rate is 6.85%, and the 15-month scheme is genuinely priced at 7.25%.
1. Identify four grammatical or usage errors in the draft and give the corrected forms.
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Four clear errors are:
- 'pleased to informing' → 'pleased to inform'. The adjective 'pleased' is followed by the infinitive, not the gerund.
- 'our branch have launched' → 'our branch has launched'. 'Branch' is singular, so the verb must be singular.
- 'The scheme offer interest' → 'The scheme offers interest'. Subject–verb agreement again.
- 'Customers whom maintain' → 'Customers who maintain'. The pronoun is the subject of 'maintain', so 'who' is required.
Other correctable items include 'visit the branch earliest' → 'visit the branch at the earliest' and 'We apologies' → 'We apologise'. Any four well-explained corrections are sufficient.
2. Which statement is factually risky, and how should it be rewritten using only the information given?
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The risky statement is 'which is higher than any other bank'. It is an unverifiable superlative: the branch has not compared every bank's 15-month rate, and the claim could mislead customers or create a regulatory or reputational problem. Using only the given facts, rewrite it as: 'which is 0.40 percentage points higher than our standard 12-month fixed deposit rate of 6.85%'. This is specific, verifiable internally, and still persuasive without making a market-wide comparison.
3. Rewrite the closing instruction so that it is clear, courteous, and not misleading.
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A suitable rewrite is: 'Kindly note that the scheme closes on 30 September. Please visit the branch well before that date so that your deposit can be opened in time. We apologise for any inconvenience and request you to contact the branch for more details.' The original 'you must visit the branch earliest' is misleading because 'earliest' is vague and can read as a command rather than a deadline warning. The rewrite keeps the deadline, explains the consequence, and replaces the abrupt command with a courteous request.