Editing a Magazine Paragraph Under Register Pressure
The school magazine's editorial team is reviewing this paragraph before print: 'When the chief guest entered, the students stood up. Each of the volunteers were given a badge. The principal said that the new library will open next month. Students which have not returned library books should do so by Friday. We hope to commence the reading programme soon, and we request all members to kindly cooperate.' The editor says: correct grammar, keep the tone formal but not pompous, preserve meaning, and make no more than four edits. The magazine goes to parents and students. A teammate wants to replace 'commence' with 'start' and 'kindly cooperate' with 'cooperate' to sound less stiff. Two teachers disagree about register. The paragraph is 68 words; the print deadline is tomorrow.
1. Identify four defensible edits and justify each.
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Four defensible edits: (1) 'Each ... were' becomes 'Each ... was' because 'each' is singular. (2) 'will open' becomes 'would open' because the principal's statement is reported in past time. (3) 'Students which' becomes 'Students who' because the antecedent is people. (4) 'kindly cooperate' becomes 'cooperate' because 'kindly' is redundant in a formal request and can sound patronising. I would not count changing 'commence' to 'start' as necessary; 'commence' is formal but not an error. The four edits fix grammar or tone without altering the facts.
2. Should 'commence' become 'start'? Should 'kindly cooperate' stay?
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'Commence' can stay if the magazine's house style is formal; it is not pompous by itself. 'Start' is simpler, but replacing it uses an edit without correcting a problem. 'Kindly cooperate' is different: 'kindly' adds no information and can imply that members are normally unhelpful. 'We request all members to cooperate' is formal, direct, and polite enough. The judgement depends on audience: parents and students need clarity, not ceremony. Keep 'commence' only if other paragraphs use the same register; otherwise 'begin' or 'start' is defensible, but not compulsory.
3. Explain what 'do so' refers to and why the reference matters.
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'Do so' refers to returning library books by Friday. The reference matters because the sentence contains two possible actions: returning books and paying a fine. If the magazine had mentioned a fine, 'do so' would be ambiguous. Here the only preceding action is 'returned library books', so the reference is clear. A careful editor checks that pro-forms such as 'do so' point to one action, not to a general obligation. This is a context judgement, not a rule memorised in isolation.