Guided Writing: The Later Start Time
Hina's writing task reads: 'Some high schools in Hiroshima have moved the start of classes from 8:30 to 9:00 for first-year students. Do you think other schools should do the same? Write 60–80 words in English. Give two reasons, and include one sentence that acknowledges the opposing view.'
Her draft runs to about 103 words:
'I think this is a good idea. When I was in junior high school, I often slept only five hours because of club activities, and I was always sleepy in the first class. Later start is better for students' health. Also, students can eat breakfast. My friend says she cannot eat breakfast early. But some teachers say club activities will finish later. I think this is not a big problem because we can practice before school. In conclusion, I agree with the later start time.'
She has eight minutes left, has not counted her words, and believes the draft is finished.
1. Audit Hina's draft against the three instructions. What has she done, what is missing, and what caused the length problem?
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Instruction 1 - 60–80 words. The draft is roughly 103. The cause is not one long sentence but three low-value units: the anecdote ('When I was in junior high school... always sleepy in the first class'), the friend sentence ('My friend says she cannot eat breakfast early'), and 'I think this is not a big problem because...'. Each is a full sentence carrying a single idea that could be a clause.
Instruction 2 - two reasons. Reason 1 is sleep and health, buried inside the anecdote. Reason 2 is breakfast, supported by the friend. Both exist, but reason 1 arrives as a personal story, and that story is exactly what pushes her over the limit.
Instruction 3 - one sentence acknowledging the opposing view. Missing as an acknowledgement. She reports the teachers' objection but dismisses it in the same breath; there is no sentence that stands back and says 'Some people argue that...'. Her 'In conclusion' sentence repeats the opening instead of doing new work.
So two of three requirements are only half met, and the surplus words sit exactly where the missing element should go.
2. Rewrite the draft in 60–80 words, keeping her two reasons and adding the acknowledgement. State the final word count and the moves you made.
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Revision (74 words):
'I agree that first-year classes should start at 9:00. As a junior-high student I often slept only five hours because of club activities and was sleepy in first period, so a later start would protect students' health. It would also give us time to eat breakfast. Some teachers argue that club activities would end later, but practice could be moved to the morning.'
Three moves:
- Compress the anecdote into one subordinate clause ('As a junior-high student...'), keeping her voice and deleting the friend sentence, which repeats reason 2.
- Merge 'Later start is better for students' health' into the same sentence as the reason, since it is a conclusion, not evidence of a second point.
- Add the concession with a fixed frame: 'Some people argue that X, but Y.' This replaces 'I think this is not a big problem because...' - same content, one sentence instead of two, and explicitly marked as the opposing view.
Dropping 'In conclusion, I agree' costs nothing; the first sentence already states her position.
3. Hina asks whether she can keep the anecdote and drop the counterargument, because the anecdote is 'more interesting'. Decide, and justify it in terms of how such tasks are marked.
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No. In guided writing the instructions are gates, not preferences. A marker normally checks in this order: length, then the required elements, then language. A named element that is absent loses marks that no amount of vividness recovers, and over-length is penalised separately - a common rule of thumb is that more than about ten per cent over the limit loses marks or the excess is disregarded. So keeping the anecdote costs her twice: once in words and once in the space the counterargument should occupy.
Keep the anecdote only as a compressed clause, where it adds voice at almost no cost. Interest is a tiebreaker between two scripts that both satisfy the instructions; it is not a substitute for satisfying them. The practical rule for Hina: before writing, copy the instruction's three requirements into the margin as a checklist, and tick each one as it is written.