English Composition: Cutting a 48-Word Draft That Still Misses the Rubric
Ken has nine minutes for a 50–60 word paragraph. The prompt: 'Do you think high school students should have part-time jobs? State your opinion and support it with one reason and one example.' The rubric awards content 4 (clear opinion, one reason, one example), organization 3 (topic sentence, linking, no digressions) and language 3. A 10% over- or under-run is tolerated, contractions count as one word, and hyphenated compounds count as one word.
His draft (48 words): 'I think high school students should have part-time jobs. First, they can learn responsibility. Second, they can get money. Third, they can make friends. Also, my cousin works at a bakery and he is busy but happy. For these reasons, I think part-time jobs are good for students.'
He believes the draft is safe because it is inside the limit, and he plans to spend his remaining minutes adding a fourth reason.
1. Why does this draft lose marks even though it is inside the word limit? Name the specific faults.
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Content (out of 4)
- The prompt asks for one reason and one example. He supplies three reasons - responsibility, money, friends - each in a single clause with no development, so none of them is supported.
- The example (cousin at the bakery) is attached with 'Also' and is linked to none of the three reasons. The examiner cannot tell what it is evidence for, so it cannot earn the example mark as support.
Organization (out of 3)
- The paragraph is a numbered list ('First / Second / Third'), an enumeration pattern that signals listing rather than reasoning.
- 'Also' bolts a fourth item onto the list instead of connecting evidence to a claim.
- The closing sentence repeats the topic sentence almost word for word, so the paragraph ends where it began.
Language (out of 3)
- 'I think' appears twice, the second time in the conclusion where it adds nothing.
- Every sentence has the same shape (subject + can + verb).
Word budget: 48 words leaves 12 unused words that could have carried the reason–example link, which is exactly the element the rubric rewards.
2. Rewrite the paragraph within 50–60 words, keeping one reason and the cousin example, and show the word count.
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Rewrite (56 words):
'I think high school students should have part-time jobs because work teaches responsibility that classrooms cannot. My cousin, for example, has worked at a bakery since last spring; he must arrive by six and handle his own mistakes, and his teachers say he has become more careful. Responsibility learned on the job carries back into school.'
Count: I(1) think(2) high(3) school(4) students(5) should(6) have(7) part-time(8) jobs(9) because(10) work(11) teaches(12) responsibility(13) that(14) classrooms(15) cannot(16). My(17) cousin(18), for(19) example(20), has(21) worked(22) at(23) a(24) bakery(25) since(26) last(27) spring(28); he(29) must(30) arrive(31) by(32) six(33) and(34) handle(35) his(36) own(37) mistakes(38), and(39) his(40) teachers(41) say(42) he(43) has(44) become(45) more(46) careful(47). Responsibility(48) learned(49) on(50) the(51) job(52) carries(53) back(54) into(55) school(56). = 56 words.
What changed: two reasons deleted to satisfy 'one reason'; 'high school' counts as two words while 'part-time' counts as one, per the instruction sheet; the cousin is now introduced by 'for example' and the concrete details ('arrive by six', 'handle his own mistakes') make him evidence for responsibility; the final sentence returns to the claim instead of restating it.
3. A classmate says: 'Just delete the cousin to save words.' Evaluate that advice against the rubric.
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Verdict: deleting the example is the most expensive possible cut.
- The content band explicitly names 'one reason and one example'. Without the cousin, the paragraph can score at most the reason half of the content marks, and the three bare clauses remain bare - a list of assertions is not support.
- The example is the only specific material in the draft. Specificity is what separates 4/4 from 2/4 on content descriptors for this prompt type; bare modal clauses ('they can learn responsibility') read as unsupported opinion.
- The cheap deletions are the ones the rubric does not name: 'Second, they can get money. Third, they can make friends.' (11 words) plus the redundant conclusion 'For these reasons, I think part-time jobs are good for students.' (11 words). That frees 22 words - more than the 12 required - with no marked element lost.
- Rule: when cutting to a word limit, delete material the rubric does not name (extra reasons, restated opinions, throat-clearing) and protect the material it does name (the example, the connector, the opinion). Adding a fourth reason, as Ken plans, makes the paragraph longer and the list thinner at the same time.