Tense shift and flat ending in a narrative
A candidate is writing a narrative for Section B. The prompt is: 'Write a story beginning with the words: The bus was late, and that changed everything.' The candidate's opening paragraph reads: 'The bus was late, and that changed everything. I was standing at the stop with my friend Maya. We were going to the science fair. I had worked on my project for three weeks. Then it started to rain. I felt annoyed. A car stopped. A man asked if we needed a lift. We said yes. When we arrived, the fair had already started. Our project was ruined.' In the next two paragraphs the writing switches to the present tense: 'The man is smiling strangely. Maya looks at me. I am feeling nervous.' The story ends: 'So it was a bad day. The end.' The candidate has written about 350 words and has ten minutes left. The question rewards clear narrative shaping, consistent tense and a convincing ending.
1. Identify the two most damaging weaknesses in the draft and explain how each affects the reader's judgement of the narrative.
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Two damaging weaknesses are the sudden tense shift and the weak ending. The opening is in past tense ('was standing', 'had worked', 'started'), then the draft switches to present ('is smiling', 'looks', 'am feeling'). This makes the reader unsure whether the event is happening now or has already happened, and it breaks the narrative frame. The ending 'So it was a bad day. The end.' is a flat summary and a cliché; it tells the reader the judgement instead of showing the consequence. The phrase 'I felt annoyed' is also telling, but the tense and ending are more damaging because they affect the whole shape of the story.
2. Rewrite the opening paragraph to show annoyance rather than tell it, and plant a detail that could pay off in the ending. Keep the required first sentence.
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Rewrite: 'The bus was late, and that changed everything. I had checked my watch four times before Maya said, It is not coming. My science-fair project was in a cardboard box at my feet, and the sky was already grey. When the first drops hit the box, I pulled my jacket over it and felt the damp seep through the sleeves. A car slowed, and the driver leaned across to ask if we needed a lift. I looked at Maya, then at the box, and said yes before I had time to think.' This shows annoyance through the watch-checking, the protective jacket and the quick decision. The box and the damp plant a detail that can pay off when the project is damaged or saved at the fair.
3. Suggest a revised ending of two or three sentences that grows out of the planted detail and avoids 'The end'.
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Revised ending: 'At the fair, the cardboard box had softened at one corner, but the model inside still stood. Maya held the torn flap while I straightened the windmill, and the judge gave us a second look. The bus had been late, but it had not ruined the day; it had made us arrive with a story.' This ending grows out of the planted box and damp detail. It avoids 'The end' and does not simply announce 'it was a bad day'. It gives the narrator a changed understanding, which is more convincing than a flat judgement.