Choosing an Opening for a Scholarship Essay
A final-year student is applying for a county scholarship to study nursing. The application asks for a 150-word statement explaining why the applicant wants to serve in rural clinics. Two openings are drafted. Opening A: 'I have always dreamed of becoming a nurse because I love helping people and I am a very caring person.' Opening B: 'When the only midwife in my town left for Monrovia, my aunt's delivery was attended by a traditional birth attendant who had no gloves. Both mother and baby survived, but I decided that day to train as a nurse.' The student's teacher says Opening A is safer because it is more general and cannot be criticized; a friend says Opening B is better because it tells a story. The student has 150 words total and must also mention grades and community service.
1. Choose the stronger opening for this scholarship audience and justify your choice using purpose, audience, and the 150-word limit. Identify one risk in the opening you did not choose.
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Opening B is stronger. The purpose is to show a scholarship committee that the applicant has a credible, lasting reason to serve rural clinics. B does that through a specific incident: a midwife leaves, a birth is attended without gloves, and the applicant draws a conclusion. It is memorable and connects personal experience to the rural health problem the scholarship is meant to address. It also uses words efficiently because it shows motivation rather than asserting it. Opening A relies on 'love helping people' and 'caring,' which any applicant could write; it gives the committee no evidence. The risk in B is that it may seem to use a family story for effect, or it may spend too many of the 150 words on narrative. The student should keep it short and link it quickly to grades and community service. A's risk is the opposite: it is so general that it is easy to dismiss.
2. The concluding sentence reads: 'I am hard-working, I want to help rural people, and my grades are good.' Revise it so that it is specific, parallel, and supported by at least one detail the student could supply. Explain what the revision improves.
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Revision: 'I maintained a B average while volunteering 40 hours at the Sanniquellie clinic, and I intend to return to a rural county where that training is needed.' This is parallel because it uses past action plus present intention, not a list of adjectives. It is specific: a B average and 40 hours are checkable, and the clinic name shows community service. It also ties the closing back to the rural-service purpose. The original fails on all three counts: 'hard-working' and 'good' are vague, and the list mixes a trait, a wish, and a grade. The revision gives the committee evidence without adding many words, which matters under a 150-word limit.
3. The teacher claims Opening A 'cannot be criticized.' Evaluate this claim, and state one piece of evidence from the setup that would strengthen either opening.
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The claim is false. A general opening can be criticized for being unsupported, interchangeable, and vague. 'I love helping people' does not show that the applicant understands rural nursing or has acted on the interest. A scholarship committee may prefer a specific story because it is harder to fake and easier to remember. That does not mean B is automatically safe: a story can be criticized if it is irrelevant or if it takes space from grades and service. Evidence from the setup that would strengthen either opening is the requirement to mention grades and community service. For A, the student could add a concrete service detail, such as volunteering at a clinic. For B, the student could connect the birth story to a science grade or to clinic volunteering, showing that the decision led to action.