The Angry Letter to the Transport Committee
A Year 11 candidate writes a letter to the local council about a decision to move a bus stop 400 metres away from a hospital. The task asks for 250-350 words, a formal letter, and both a complaint and a suggestion. The draft opens: 'Hey, I'm writing because the new bus stop is literally a disaster. Old people and disabled people have to walk 400 metres, which is not on. Why should they suffer? Do you even care? My nanna has arthritis and she missed her appointment.' A later paragraph reads: 'In conclusion, I think you should move it back.' The candidate has strong material: the concrete example of the missed appointment and a suggested shuttle service, but these are buried in paragraph four. The class has been told to use a formal register but not to sound like a robot. The teacher must decide what to prioritise: tone, structure or accuracy.
1. The candidate asks whether 'Hey' and rhetorical questions are always wrong in a formal letter. How should the teacher answer, and what revision would you model for the opening sentence?
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Not 'always wrong' - register is a continuum, and the exam rewards appropriate tone rather than a single correct style.
- 'Hey' is too casual for a named committee. It signals a peer-to-peer message, not a public submission. 'Dear Members of the Transport Committee' or 'Dear Sir or Madam' would fit the audience.
- Rhetorical questions can work in persuasive writing, but three in a row, followed by 'Do you even care?', read as accusatory. The letter's purpose is to win a concession, so the tone should be firm but reasonable.
- 'Not on', 'nanna' and contractions are not grammatical errors; they are register choices. In this context, 'unreasonable', 'my grandmother' and full forms are safer. But over-formalising ('I humbly beseech the committee') would sound false.
- Model revision: 'I am writing to express my concern about the relocation of the number 42 bus stop, which now leaves passengers a 400-metre walk from the hospital entrance. For elderly and disabled residents, that distance is not a minor inconvenience; it can mean missing an appointment.'
- Explain the principle: keep the anger, lose the accusation. Name the problem, the people affected and the consequence.
2. The candidate's suggestion (a shuttle service) appears only in the final sentence. What structural advice would improve the response without rewriting it for the candidate?
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Give the candidate a planning tool, not a replacement letter.
- A five-part plan: (1) purpose and audience; (2) the specific change and its impact; (3) the group most affected, with one concrete example; (4) a practical proposal; (5) a courteous request for a response.
- The shuttle idea should be in its own paragraph, with detail: frequency, who it serves, a possible funding source, and a request for consultation. A suggestion buried after 'In conclusion' cannot do persuasive work.
- 'In conclusion' is also misleading because no argument has been developed. Better signposting: 'I would therefore ask the committee to consider...' or 'A workable compromise would be...'.
- Topic sentences should do the work: 'The 400-metre walk is a particular problem for patients with mobility difficulties.' Then evidence. This helps the examiner see structure quickly.
- Do not impose a formula. The candidate can keep the grandmother example if it is framed as evidence, not just a story. The aim is purposeful ordering: problem → impact → proposal → request.
3. How should the teacher weigh language accuracy against task achievement when marking this draft?
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Use the balance the mark scheme actually rewards: task achievement and organisation carry substantial weight, but accuracy matters when it interferes with meaning or appropriateness.
- Prioritise meaning-bearing errors. 'She missed her appointment' is clear. 'The bus stop is literally a disaster' is not a grammar error but a register problem; treat it under tone.
- Prioritise frequent, teachable errors. Subject–verb agreement, sentence boundaries and tense consistency are worth a dedicated editing stage. Do not red-ink every contraction.
- Do not reward emptiness. A safe, error-free letter with no specific detail should not outrank a lively, committed letter with a few slips. But a letter so error-prone that the reader has to reconstruct meaning cannot score highly on communication.
- Separate the feedback layers. One comment on task and structure, one on register, one on two or three language patterns. The candidate cannot act on twenty corrections.
- Model the standard. Show how 'which is not on' becomes 'which is unreasonable' without draining the voice. Explain that formal writing is not about long words; it is about choosing language that fits the reader and purpose.