Reordering an Argument Essay on Later School Start Times
A high school journalism adviser is editing a student's 900-word argument essay arguing that the school day should start at 8:30 a.m. The draft has this body-paragraph order: (1) a paragraph on sleep science and adolescent melatonin shifts; (2) a paragraph on a neighboring district's later start and its 12% drop in tardies; (3) a paragraph describing the writer's own morning routine and a favorite breakfast; (4) a paragraph on bus scheduling costs and a possible cost-neutral plan. The thesis says later starts improve attendance and can be scheduled without new buses. The adviser wants each paragraph to advance the thesis and wants transitions to show the relationship between evidence and objection. The writer has 40 minutes to revise and wants to keep the personal paragraph because 'it shows I understand the issue.'
1. Evaluate paragraph (3) for unity. Should it stay as a full body paragraph, be revised, or be cut? Give a concrete plan for the 40-minute revision session.
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Paragraph (3) is not unified around the thesis. A personal morning routine can illustrate adolescent sleepiness, but a favorite breakfast is irrelevant, and a full paragraph about the writer's own morning risks replacing evidence with autobiography. The paragraph can stay only if it is compressed into one or two sentences that directly support the sleep-science claim, for example: I have experienced this shift myself: first period feels like the middle of the night, and I am more alert after 9 a.m. That is a brief illustration, not a body paragraph.
In a 40-minute session, spend 5 minutes cutting the breakfast material and compressing the personal point; 10 minutes checking that paragraphs 1, 2, and 4 each have a clear topic sentence; 10 minutes revising transitions; 10 minutes reading aloud for coherence; and 5 minutes for a final proofread. This preserves the writer's voice without letting a personal digression displace the argument.
2. Propose a revised order for the body paragraphs and explain why that order best serves the thesis.
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A strong order is (1), (2), (3 revised and compressed), (4), or (1), (3 compressed), (2), (4). The science paragraph establishes why the change matters; the neighboring district's 12% drop in tardies supplies concrete evidence that the change works; the personal illustration makes the issue vivid; and the bus-cost paragraph answers the main feasibility objection before the conclusion. If the personal material is only a sentence or two, it can sit inside or immediately after the science paragraph, so the essay does not devote a full body paragraph to it.
The key principle is not simply chronological order but argumentative order: need, evidence, illustration, objection and response. The bus paragraph should come after the attendance evidence because the writer must first show a benefit before arguing that the benefit is affordable. Ending the body with the cost response also leads naturally into a conclusion that repeats both halves of the thesis.
3. Revise the transition from paragraph (2), the neighboring district's 12% drop in tardies, to paragraph (4), bus scheduling costs. Explain what relationship the transition should signal.
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A workable transition is: Even if a later start improves attendance, a change is only feasible if transportation costs remain stable. Our district can avoid new buses by... This signals a concessive relationship: the essay grants the force of the attendance evidence, then pivots to the feasibility question. It does not pretend the bus issue is another benefit or a simple next item in a list.
A weaker transition such as Also, buses are a problem would flatten the logic and make the objection seem like an afterthought. The revised transition should acknowledge the evidence just presented (even if... improves attendance) and state the condition the next paragraph will answer (only feasible if costs remain stable). That way the objection strengthens the argument rather than interrupting it.