Editing a Magazine Script for Clarity and Length
Adebayo is editing the features page of his school magazine. The page must be read aloud at a parents' meeting, so it should sound formal but still clear to listeners. He is considering four sentences from a draft article about the library: (1) 'The library, which was renovated last term, has now been reopened to students.' (2) 'The library was renovated last term, and it has now been reopened to students.' (3) 'Having been renovated last term, the school has now reopened the library.' (4) 'The library has now been reopened to students after it was renovated last term.' The editor-in-chief wants the shortest version that keeps the cause-and-effect relationship clear and avoids confusing listeners. Adebayo also notices a sentence beginning 'Walking into the library, the shelves looked newly arranged.' The magazine has a 250-word limit for this section, and the current draft is 287 words. He must decide which revision to use and whether to cut the dangling modifier sentence entirely or rewrite it.
1. Which of the four sentences should Adebayo choose if he must keep the cause-and-effect relationship explicit and avoid ambiguity for listeners? Justify your choice by comparing the alternatives.
Read the worked answer
Sentence (4) is the best choice. It keeps cause and effect explicit with after: renovation first, reopening second. Sentence (1) is grammatical and shortest, but the relative clause which was renovated last term presents the renovation as extra information; listeners may not hear it as the cause. Sentence (2) is clear but uses and, which merely coordinates two facts and weakens the causal link. Sentence (3) is illogical: the modifier Having been renovated would describe the school, suggesting the school was renovated, not the library. For a script read aloud, clarity beats minimal length, so (4) is safest. If the editor insists on the absolute shortest grammatical version, (1) is acceptable, but Adebayo should flag the weaker causal signal.
2. Rewrite the sentence beginning 'Walking into the library, the shelves looked newly arranged' so that the modifier is logical. Then decide whether to cut it or keep the rewrite, given the 250-word limit and the 287-word draft.
Read the worked answer
The dangling modifier can be rewritten as: When visitors walked into the library, the shelves looked newly arranged. The original makes the shelves the subject of walking, which is illogical. The rewrite supplies the real agent, visitors. On length: the draft is 287 words and the limit is 250, so Adebayo must cut at least 37 words. A rewrite adds words, so it should not be kept automatically. He should first cut redundant sentences and only retain this description if it supports the article's focus on the reopened library. If space remains after cuts, keep the rewrite; if not, cut the sentence, because the reopening-not the shelf arrangement-is the main news.
3. If the editor-in-chief insists on the shortest grammatical version even at the cost of a weaker causal link, which sentence should Adebayo use, and what is one risk of that choice?
Read the worked answer
If the editor insists on the shortest grammatical version, choose sentence (1): The library, which was renovated last term, has now been reopened to students. It is only 13 words and is grammatical. The risk is that the relative clause can be heard as a parenthesis, so listeners may miss that the renovation caused the reopening. It is also harder to deliver aloud than a simple after clause. Adebayo should therefore use (1) only if brevity is the overriding rule; otherwise (4) better serves the parents' meeting audience.