Editing a Scholarship Statement
An IOE candidate is editing a 150-word statement for a scholarship application. The draft contains this paragraph: 'The reason why I want to study engineering is because I have been always fascinated by bridges, they connect people. The both my father and my uncle are engineers, and they have showed me how mathematics can solve real problems. If I would get this scholarship, I will work hard and I can improve my community.' The teacher says the paragraph has at least three sentence-level grammar problems, one word-choice problem, and one punctuation issue, and that the final version must stay within 150 words and use a formal but not pompous tone. The candidate must not simply delete the personal details, because the scholarship committee values specific motivation. The candidate also needs to decide whether to keep the sentence about the father and uncle, given that the word limit is tight and the paragraph currently repeats the idea of influence.
1. Identify the grammar and usage problems in the draft paragraph and explain the correction for each. Distinguish errors that are outright ungrammatical from those that are stylistically weak.
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Outright errors: (1) 'The reason why ... is because' is redundant because 'reason' and 'because' both express cause; write 'I want to study engineering because ...' or 'The reason I want to study engineering is that ...'. (2) 'have been always' misplaces the adverb; standard order is 'have always been'. (3) 'The both my father and my uncle' is ungrammatical because 'both' already functions as a determiner; write 'Both my father and my uncle are engineers'. (4) 'have showed' uses a nonstandard past participle; use 'have shown'. (5) 'If I would get' is ungrammatical in a real future condition; use 'If I get' or 'If I receive'. (6) The comma in 'bridges, they connect people' is a comma splice; use a semicolon, a period, or a colon: 'bridges; they connect people' or 'bridges: they connect people'. (7) 'I will work hard and I can improve' shifts modality awkwardly; use 'I will work hard to improve' for parallelism. Stylistic weakness: 'fascinated by bridges' is vague; 'fascinated by bridge design' is more precise and shows the engineering interest. These corrections preserve the candidate's specific motivation rather than replacing it with generic praise of engineering.
2. Rewrite the paragraph in 45–60 words, preserving the specific motivation and correcting the errors. Then explain which detail you compressed or cut and why.
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Rewritten version: 'I want to study engineering because I have always been fascinated by bridge design: bridges connect communities. Both my father and my uncle are engineers, and they have shown me how mathematics can solve practical problems. If I receive this scholarship, I will work hard to improve my own community.' This is 50 words. I cut the redundant frame 'The reason why ... is because' and the unnecessary 'The' before 'both'. I replaced the comma splice with a colon, changed 'showed' to 'shown', and changed 'If I would get' to 'If I receive'. I kept both family members because the sentence gives specific evidence of influence, but I compressed the ending to 'work hard to improve my own community' so the paragraph stays within the word limit and avoids the awkward modal shift from 'will' to 'can'. 'Bridge design' is more precise than 'bridges', and 'practical problems' keeps a formal but natural tone.