Editing a Scholarship Essay Conclusion
A student is revising a short scholarship essay before submitting it to a local foundation. The draft paragraph reads: 'Every since I joined the robotics club, I have learned that solving a problem is more harder than it looks. Me and my teammates spend three afternoons a week designing, building, and to test a robot. Although we did not win the regional competition, but we improved our design four times. The experience taught me patience, teamwork, and how to communicate clearly. I believe these skills will help me succeed in high school and beyond.' The essay prompt asks students to describe a challenge and explain what they learned. The word limit is 250 words, and this paragraph is the essay's conclusion. A friend says the paragraph is fine because the meaning is clear, but the student wants to correct grammar and strengthen the writing without changing the story.
1. Identify three grammatical or usage errors in the paragraph and write the corrected version of each phrase.
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Three clear errors are: (1) 'Every since' should be 'Ever since.' 'Every' is a determiner, while the time expression is 'ever since.' (2) 'more harder' should be 'harder.' 'Harder' is already comparative, so adding 'more' is a double comparison. (3) 'Me and my teammates' should be 'My teammates and I' because it is the subject of 'spend.' A fourth error is 'designing, building, and to test'; the list should be parallel, as in 'designing, building, and testing.' A fifth is 'Although ... but'; standard written English uses one contrast marker, as in 'Although we did not win ..., we improved ...' or 'We did not win ..., but we improved ....' Correcting these does not change the story; it makes the sentences standard and easier to read.
2. Revise the sentence 'Although we did not win the regional competition, but we improved our design four times' to eliminate the faulty coordination while keeping the contrast.
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A correct revision is: 'Although we did not win the regional competition, we improved our design four times.' Another correct version is: 'We did not win the regional competition, but we improved our design four times.' The original is wrong because 'although' and 'but' both signal contrast, and standard written English does not use both in the same clause relationship. The revision should keep the contrast: not winning is balanced against improving the design. The revision should also keep the specific number 'four times' because it is concrete evidence of effort and growth, which fits the essay prompt.
3. Evaluate the friend's claim that the paragraph is fine because the meaning is clear. Use the essay's purpose and audience to support your answer.
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The friend is partly right that the meaning is understandable, but clarity alone is not enough for a scholarship essay. The audience is a foundation reading many applications, and grammar errors can distract readers or suggest carelessness. 'Every since,' 'more harder,' and 'Me and my teammates' are noticeable errors, and 'Although ... but' is a sentence-boundary problem. The student should correct them without erasing the voice. The paragraph's strengths are the concrete details: three afternoons a week, four redesigns, and a clear lesson about patience and teamwork. The best revision fixes the errors, keeps the specific details, and ends with a conclusion that connects the challenge to future success. The goal is not to sound fancy; it is to sound clear, correct, and credible.