Revising an Opinion Paragraph About Recess
Jordan, a fifth grader, wrote this 140-word opinion paragraph: 'I think recess should be longer. First, recess helps students focus. After recess, my class is calmer. Second, recess is fun. I like to play kickball with my friends also our school has 500 students and two playgrounds. The playgrounds are old. In conclusion, recess should be longer because it helps students focus and it is fun.' The teacher's rubric requires a clear claim, two reasons, evidence for each reason, no irrelevant details, and a concluding statement that restates the claim. The teacher marks one run-on sentence and writes, 'One detail does not support your claim.' Jordan has 20 minutes to revise without changing the claim. A classmate suggests replacing the kickball sentence with: 'Last week, our principal said students were calmer after recess.'
1. Which detail in Jordan's paragraph is irrelevant to the claim and should be removed? Explain why it does not support the claim.
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The irrelevant detail is the sentence about 500 students, two playgrounds, and old playgrounds. Jordan's claim is that recess should be longer, and the reasons are focus and fun. The number of students and the condition of the equipment might support a different claim, such as 'the school needs better playgrounds,' but they do not show that more recess time would help. The kickball sentence is weak evidence for fun, but it is at least connected to what students do at recess. Removing the facilities detail would make the paragraph stick to the claim.
2. How should Jordan fix the run-on sentence, and is the classmate's suggested replacement better evidence for the focus reason? Explain.
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The run-on is 'I like to play kickball with my friends also our school has 500 students and two playgrounds.' Jordan should split it into two sentences or use a period and capital letter: 'I like to play kickball with my friends. Our school has 500 students and two playgrounds.' But the second sentence should probably be deleted as irrelevant. The classmate's suggested sentence-'Last week, our principal said students were calmer after recess'-is better evidence for the focus reason because it gives a specific observation from an adult. It is not proof, but it supports the reason more directly than 'my class is calmer.' Jordan should replace the vague sentence with this evidence and keep the run-on fixed by writing two clear sentences.
3. Compare two possible concluding sentences: A. 'In conclusion, recess should be longer because it helps students focus and it is fun.' B. 'In conclusion, everyone loves recess.' Which better meets the rubric, and why?
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Sentence A is better. It restates the claim ('recess should be longer') and repeats the two reasons ('helps students focus' and 'it is fun'), so it meets the rubric's requirement for a concluding statement that restates the claim. Sentence B, 'everyone loves recess,' is a broad opinion; it does not mention longer recess, focus, or fun, and it introduces a new claim about everyone. A conclusion does not need new evidence, but it must tie back to the claim and reasons. Sentence A does that more completely.