A 320-word letter that has to become 250 and less direct
Sione's Level 2 writing portfolio needs a 200–250 word formal letter. He writes on behalf of a youth group of 30 to the komiti ʻo e kolo, asking to use the village hall on Friday 14 November, 7–9 pm, for a study night, and asking the committee to waive the usual $50 hire fee. Two parents will supervise. His first draft runs to 320 words and opens 'ʻOku mau fie fakaʻaongaʻi homou fale'. His teacher's comment is one word - 'fakaʻapaʻapa' - meaning the request is too direct for a committee of elders, and it is also too long for the limit. He must also fix three spellings copied from a group chat: 'tau' where he means year, 'Tonga' where the definite form is wanted, and 'oku' written without the fakauʻa. The deadline is Friday and he has one redraft.
1. Reshape the opening so it is still a request but carries fakaʻapaʻapa. Explain what you changed and why.
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What is wrong now. 'ʻOku mau fie fakaʻaongaʻi homou fale' leads with the group's want and puts the committee in the position of granting or refusing in public. That is the face problem the teacher's one word points at.
The moves to add, in order: greet the committee; name who is asking and on whose behalf; acknowledge the committee's role; then make the request as a request (kole atu), not as an announcement of intent; and make it easy for the committee to say no or to change the terms - offer the alternative of a smaller fee or a shorter booking.
Suggested shape, not a script to copy: 'Mālō e lelei ki he komiti. Ko au ko Sione ... ʻoku mau kole atu ...' - greeting, identity, then the ask. Check the exact wording with your teacher, because the phrase that suits a village committee is not the phrase that suits a school office.
Why it still counts as a request: it names a specific day, time and sum. Fakaʻapaʻapa is carried by order and framing, not by vagueness.
2. Show where the 70 words come from. What stays, what goes, and what does the marker need to see?
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Mandatory content (about 140 words): who is asking; on whose behalf (30 young people); what is wanted (the hall); when (Friday 14 November, 7–9 pm); why (study night); supervision (two named parents); the request about the $50; a closing.
Cuts, counted: the paragraph describing last year's event (~40 words); the two sentences on why study matters (~30) - the committee already agrees that study matters, so this persuades nobody; the second restatement of the request (~15); and adjectives doing no work (~10). That is roughly 95 words available, so 70 is comfortably reachable.
Do not cut the supervision line or the date. Those are the two facts that make the letter grantable, and their absence is what makes a committee say 'we will discuss it'.
Marker's view: a tight letter that names date, purpose, supervision and sum, in respectful order, reads as more competent than a longer one that repeats itself politely.
3. Rank the three spelling problems by cost and say how you would catch each in one read-through.
Read the worked answer
1. 'tau' for year. Meaning-changing. 'taʻu' is year; without the fakauʻa the reader gets a different word and the sentence stops making sense. Cost: the reader loses the sentence, and if the letter is read aloud at the meeting the error is public.
2. 'oku' without the fakauʻa. The glottal stop is a letter of the alphabet, not decoration, so this reads as a misspelling even though the word is recoverable. Cost: moderate - it marks the writer as unsure, which is exactly what an elder will notice in a letter asking for a favour.
3. 'Tonga' for 'Tongá'. The definite accent marks a known or already-mentioned referent. Convention varies between printings, so the cost is low, but the teacher has asked for it, so it is a mark you can bank.
Method: fix 1 and 2 first, then read the letter aloud once. The ear catches a missing fakauʻa faster than the eye does.