Writing: a noho request that must not demand
A Year 12 ākonga is drafting a 220–250-word formal letter to a marae committee asking to hold a noho for 28 students and four teachers on Friday 12 and Saturday 13 September. The school will provide catering and can pay $35 per student. The group needs the wharenui and the kitchen. The student's draft opens 'Kia ora koutou, kei te hiahia mātou ki te noho...' and closes 'Ngā mihi, [name]'. The teacher has marked three issues: the opening register, the pronoun for the school group, and the lack of a contingency if the wharenui is unavailable. The student must also keep within the word limit, include the dates and numbers, and make the request clear without sounding demanding. The marae committee meets monthly, and the next meeting is on 5 August, so the letter must be sent before then. The student is unsure whether to use 'tēnā koutou' or 'kia ora koutou', whether 'mātou' or 'tātou' is correct, and how to ask for an alternative venue without weakening the request.
1. Evaluate the opening 'Kia ora koutou, kei te hiahia mātou ki te noho...' for a formal request to a marae committee. What would you change and why?
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'Kia ora koutou' is not wrong, but it is informal for a first approach to a committee. 'Tēnā koutou' or 'Tēnā koutou e te komiti' sets a more formal register and matches the purpose.
The bigger issue is 'kei te hiahia mātou'. That states a desire, not a request; it can read as assuming the answer. A request frame is better: 'E tono atu ana mātou kia noho mātou...' or 'Ka pātai atu mātou mehemea...'. Mātou is correct for the school group because it excludes the committee; tātou would wrongly include them.
Keep the dates, numbers and cost early, but do not overcorrect into archaic language you cannot sustain. Consistency of register matters more than one very formal phrase.
2. The draft closes with 'Ngā mihi'. Is that sufficient? Rewrite the closing to fit the formal request and the relationship.
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'Ngā mihi' is acceptable but generic. A formal letter to a marae committee benefits from a closing that acknowledges the committee's mana and leaves room for a declined request.
A suitable close would be: 'Nō reira, ka nui te mihi ki a koutou mō te whakaaro ki tā mātou tono. Mēnā e āhei ana, ka tino harikoa mātou.' Then 'Ngā mihi nui, [name], [role], [school]'. This keeps koutou for the committee and mātou for the school.
It also avoids pressure. Do not switch to tātou unless you are including the committee in a shared action, such as 'tā tātou mahi tahi'. The closing should sound grateful, not as if the answer is already assumed.
3. How should the letter handle the possibility that the wharenui is unavailable without weakening the request? Write one sentence and explain your choices.
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Example: 'Mēnā kāore e wātea ana te wharenui, e pai ana rānei ki a koutou kia whakamahi mātou i te wharekai me te kīhini mō te noho?'
Mēnā introduces a condition; e pai ana rānei asks rather than assumes; and the alternative keeps the request alive. It also shows that the writer has planned. Avoid 'me whakarite koe', which is too direct and shifts the obligation onto the committee.
The sentence should not introduce new numbers or dates that conflict with the earlier paragraph. A contingency should sound like a respectful option, not a second demand.