Trimming a 212-word complaint email back inside 120–150 words
Writing Part 1: write an email to your landlord in 120–150 words covering three points - the heating has been broken since Monday (five days), the flat is at 14°C, and you want to know when the repair will happen and to ask for a temporary heater. Your draft is 212 words. It opens 'Hey mate, what's going on?', contains 'I'm absolutely freezing and it's a total joke!!', uses contractions throughout, and includes a 35-word paragraph about your neighbour's dog. All three content points are present, but the request appears in the final line, after a sentence apologising for complaining. You have 10 minutes left and Part 2 still to write. You know the marking looks at task achievement, organisation and language, and that going under 120 words also loses marks.
1. Cut the draft to 120–150 words. State what goes, what stays, and the word budget for each part.
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Current 212, target 120–150, so cut 65–90 words. Budget: greeting and purpose 15; the problem 35; temperature 20; request 40; close 15. Cuts:
- The neighbour's dog paragraph: −35. It is not one of the three points and it makes the email read as a rant.
- The apology for complaining: −15. It undercuts the request.
- 'I'm absolutely freezing and it's a total joke!!' becomes 'The flat has been at 14°C since Monday': −5, and emotion turns into evidence the landlord can act on.
- Both exclamation marks, 'what's going on?', and any sentence repeating the five-day timescale. Keep every number: Monday, five days, 14°C. Markers count content points, not adjectives, and an over-length email loses marks even when the English is good.
2. Fix the register with the fewest possible changes, and say why each change matters.
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Fewest changes, biggest effect:
- 'Hey mate' becomes 'Dear Mr Okafor' (or 'Dear Sir' if you do not know the name). This is the first thing a marker sees and the fastest register signal available.
- Delete 'what's going on?' and replace it with 'I am writing to report a problem with the heating.' Purpose stated, tone set.
- Contractions: 'can't' → 'cannot', 'won't' → 'will not', 'I'm' → 'I am'. Semi-formal emails tolerate a few, but a complaint about a repair obligation reads better without them.
- 'it's a total joke!!' becomes 'This is now urgent.' Same force, no emotion, no exclamation marks. You do not need to rewrite every sentence: register is judged on overall impression, and four edits shift the whole email.
3. Rewrite the request section so it does the work the task asks for.
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Move the request into its own short paragraph before the close, and make it two specific, answerable asks: 'Could you let me know by Friday when the repair will take place? In the meantime, please could you provide a temporary heater, as the flat has been at 14°C since Monday.' Then close: 'I look forward to hearing from you. Yours sincerely, [your name].' Why: task achievement is judged on whether the reader can act. 'I was wondering if maybe something could be done' gives the landlord nothing to answer; a deadline plus a concrete action can be accepted, refused or negotiated, which is exactly what a B2 formal email should produce. It also removes the need for the apology, because a clear request does not sound rude.