Rebuilding an Argument About Start Times
Andre is drafting an argumentative essay arguing that his school should start 45 minutes later. His opening reads: 'Have you ever been so tired that you couldn't think? That's how everyone at our school feels every morning. Scientists say teens need more sleep. My bus picks me up at 6:15 a.m., which is basically the middle of the night. Our school should start later because it would be better for everyone.' He has four sources: an interview with a pediatric sleep researcher, district survey data showing 62% of students report fewer than seven hours of sleep, a transportation office schedule showing bus routes could shift at no added cost, and a principal's statement that later starts would squeeze after-school athletics.
1. Rewrite the thesis sentence ('Our school should start later because it would be better for everyone') and explain the trade-off your revision makes.
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Revision: Moving our start time 45 minutes later would help students get closer to the 8–10 hours of sleep researchers recommend, and district transportation data show the change would not raise bus costs.
The gain is specificity and preview: the thesis now names the change, the benefit, and one line of evidence a skeptical reader cares about. It also drops everyone, a claim no data can support and an easy target. The loss is emotional force - the original's broad appeal to shared exhaustion is more vivid. The trade-off is worth it for a school board, which is likely to ask 'how much, and what does it cost?' A thesis that answers those questions is harder to dismiss.
2. Andre has bus-schedule evidence showing routes could shift at no added cost. Where should it go, and how does its placement answer an objection the principal is likely to raise?
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Put it in the paragraph that answers the cost objection, just before or inside the concession to the principal, not in the opening. Its job is rebuttal: a board member's first practical worry is that later starts mean new buses and new money, and the schedule shows otherwise. Placed early, it answers a question the reader has not yet asked and interrupts the case for sleep. Placed after the health evidence, it lands as a solution to a problem that has just been raised. Its position converts a possible objection into support, which is why order matters as much as the fact itself.
3. He must cut either the rhetorical question and 'everyone feels tired' claim in the opening or the 62% district sleep data. Which should he keep, and how does the audience (school board) affect the choice?
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Keep the 62% figure and cut most of the rhetorical opening. The board can act on a number drawn from its own district's students, and it can check the survey; everyone feels tired cannot be verified and invites anyone who feels fine to dismiss the whole essay. The data also connects directly to the thesis. The cost of cutting is a less lively first sentence, so he might keep one short question for voice and follow immediately with the number - but the evidence, not the generalization, should carry the opening. Audience should decide which claim is doing the work.