Tightening Wordiness Without Changing Meaning
An editor is trimming a 40-word sentence to fit a 25-word limit in a brochure. The draft reads: "Due to the fact that the museum will be closed on the day of the holiday, visitors who are planning to come on that particular day should make the decision to visit on a different day instead." The editor must preserve two facts: (1) the museum is closed on the holiday, and (2) visitors should choose another day. The editor may not drop either fact, and the revision must keep a cause-and-effect relationship between them. The brochure uses a formal but plain register.
1. Identify the wordy constructions in the draft and explain what each can become.
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Wordy constructions and their tighter equivalents:
- "Due to the fact that" → Because
- "on the day of the holiday" → on the holiday
- "visitors who are planning to come" → visitors planning to come (or simply visitors)
- "on that particular day" → that day
- "should make the decision to visit" → should visit
- "on a different day instead" → another day (the instead is redundant once another is used)
Each cut removes filler while keeping the same proposition.
2. Write a revision under 25 words that keeps both facts and the cause-effect link, and justify the register.
Read the worked answer
Revision: "Because the museum is closed on the holiday, visitors planning to come that day should visit another day." (18 words)
Justification:
- Both facts preserved: closure (cause) and the recommendation (effect).
- Cause-effect kept via Because.
- Register: Because and should visit are plain and formal enough for a brochure-no slang, no overly casual contractions.
- Word count is comfortably under the limit, leaving margin for layout.