Revising a Sentence for Logical Comparison and Clarity
A student writes a comparison in an essay about study habits: "Students who study in short, frequent sessions tend to remember more than students who cram, and this is because the brain consolidates information better over time." A peer reviewer flags two issues: the comparison may be unclear about what is being compared, and the pronoun "this" is vague. The writer wants to keep the claim that frequent short sessions beat cramming, keep the explanation about consolidation, and make the comparison explicit. The revision must stay in one or two sentences and avoid introducing a new claim.
1. What is potentially unclear about the comparison, and how should the writer fix it?
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The comparison "remember more than students who cram" is structurally parallel (students who study ... than students who cram), which is good, but "remember more" leaves the object of remembering implicit. A reader may ask: remember what? The fix is to make the compared quantity explicit, e.g., "retain more of what they study" or "remember more material." This keeps the comparison logical: like is compared with like (retention of material by two groups of students).
2. How should the vague "this" be revised, and what is the revised sentence?
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Vague "this" should be replaced with a noun phrase naming the cause: not "this is because" but "a pattern explained by the fact that" or "because the brain consolidates information better over time."
Revised: "Students who study in short, frequent sessions tend to retain more of what they study than students who cram, a difference explained by the brain's consolidating information better over time."
Why it works:
- Explicit comparison: retain more of what they study.
- Named cause: a difference explained by... replaces the floating this.
- No new claim: consolidation was already in the original; only the packaging changed.