The Homestay Complaint Nobody Wants to Raise
Kenji, 16, has been on a three-week exchange in regional NSW for eleven days. His homestay family, the Baileys, are warm but eat dinner at 5:30pm, and Kenji is used to eating at 8pm with his family in Osaka. He has been quietly skipping dinner and buying convenience-store food, which has cost him about $90 of his $300 spending money. Mrs Bailey has noticed the food going uneaten and has asked the school coordinator whether Kenji is unhappy. Kenji has not told anyone; in his Osaka school he was taught that raising a personal complaint with a host is rude and that endurance (gaman) is a virtue. He also worries that if he explains, he will seem to be criticising the family. The coordinator asks you, a senior student, for advice on how to handle it without embarrassing anyone.
1. Explain why Kenji's silence is not simply shyness, and identify what is at stake for each party if the misunderstanding continues.
Read the worked answer
Kenji's silence is culturally patterned, not just temperament. In Japanese socialisation, gaman (enduring discomfort quietly) and enryo (holding back so as not to impose) are positive qualities, especially for a guest in someone's home. Directly naming a problem to a host can read as ingratitude or as an accusation that the host's hospitality is inadequate. Add the age and power gap - he is a 16-year-old guest in an adult's house, speaking a second language - and complaining feels riskier than going hungry.
What is at stake:
For Kenji: nutrition and energy during a school term, his spending money ($90 of $300 gone in eleven days, which will not last three weeks), and growing anxiety that will make him withdraw further. He may also be learning the wrong lesson - that the only options are silence or rudeness.
For the Baileys: Mrs Bailey already senses something is wrong. Left unexplained, she is likely to read it as rejection of her cooking or her home, which is hurtful and can cool the whole household. They may also conclude that Kenji is simply difficult.
For the program: a complaint that surfaces later, or a student who stops eating, becomes a safeguarding and reputation problem, and the school loses a future host family.
The core issue is that both sides are being polite in their own idiom, and the two idioms are producing the opposite of the intended effect.
2. Draft the approach the coordinator should take, including who should say what, in what order, and how the language should be framed so that neither Kenji nor the Baileys lose face.
Read the worked answer
Sequence matters more than wording. Do not put Kenji and Mrs Bailey in the same room to 'sort it out'.
Step 1 - coordinator with Kenji alone, in Japanese if possible. Frame it as the program's responsibility, not his fault: 'We should have asked about meal times. Many students find the first two weeks hard. Is there anything about the daily routine that is difficult?' This gives him a face-saving way to answer without accusing anyone. If he still holds back, offer a menu of ordinary options ('some students eat a small snack later') so he can choose rather than complain.
Step 2 - coordinator with Mrs Bailey, without Kenji present. Normalise it: 'Kenji comes from a family that eats at eight. He's been skipping dinner because he didn't want to seem rude about the time, not the food.' This reframes her from rejected host to considerate host, which is true and protects her.
Step 3 - a practical arrangement both can accept: a light evening meal or snack left for Kenji, or dinner moved to 6:30pm twice a week. Concrete changes are easier than conversations about feelings.
Step 4 - coordinator checks in after a week, and tells Kenji explicitly that telling a host about a routine preference is normal in Australia and is not rudeness. The lesson he should take home is not that gaman is wrong, but that it has a time and a place.