Honorific Consistency in a Formal Email

The draft is grammatically intelligible but register-inconsistent - it mixes intimate/casual endings into a formal request. Each lapse sends a specific signal.

1. 싶어요 / 갈게요 / 가능해요? / 주세요 - these are 해요체, the polite-but-everyday register used with acquaintances and peers. In a formal written request to an institutional coordinator, the expected register is 하십시오체 or 합쇼체 in writing: -습니다 / -십시오 / -겠습니다.

2. 갈게요 is especially marked. -ㄹ게요 carries a nuance of 'I will, as a favour/commitment between us' - it presumes a personal relationship. To an institution it reads as over-familiar, almost as if you are doing them a favour by arriving.

3. 가능해요? is a casual yes/no query. Formally: 가능한지 알려 주시겠습니까? or 가능합니까?

4. 답장 주세요 is a bare imperative. In Korean formal writing, imperatives to a superior are softened to 답장 주시기 바랍니다 or 회신 부탁드립니다.

5. Missing honorific subject marking. Requests about the coordinator's actions need -시-: 픽업이 가능하신지, 확인해 주시기 바랍니다.

Diagnosis: You are not short of vocabulary; you are defaulting to spoken politeness in a written formal genre. The fix is a consistent ending set, not more words.

Rewrite:

안녕하세요. 저는 도착 날짜를 변경하고자 연락드립니다. 당초 3월 3일로 예정되어 있었으나, 부득이하게 3월 10일로 변경하게 되었습니다. 이에 따라 공항 픽업이 여전히 가능하신지 확인해 주시기 바랍니다. 바쁘신 중에 번거롭게 해 드려 죄송하며, 회신 부탁드립니다.

Why this works:

• -ㅂ니다 / -습니다 throughout establishes one register.
• 연락드립니다, 확인해 주시기 바랍니다, 회신 부탁드립니다 are formal request formulae, not bare imperatives.
• 가능하신지 adds the honorific -시- to the coordinator's action.
• 부득이하게, 당초 raise the lexical register to match the grammar.
• 번거롭게 해 드려 죄송하며 acknowledges the imposition, which Korean formal writing expects.

Why consistency beats maximal politeness: A text that mixes 여쭙겠습니다 with 갈게요 reads as uncontrolled rather than respectful. Readers notice the inconsistency as a lapse in command, and in Korean institutional writing, an inconsistent register can read as careless or as subtly presumptuous. Over-elevating every clause also produces stiffness that native formal writing avoids - note that the rewrite uses plain -ㅂ니다 for factual statements and reserves heavy honorifics for requests. Match the register to the genre, then hold it steady.

Yes, expand - but with content, not filler. Under-length answers in a writing task lose marks for insufficient development, not for brevity per se.

Legitimate expansions that add information:

1. Reason for the change - a single clause (예: 항공편 일정이 변경되어) makes the request coherent and shows the coordinator you are not being arbitrary.
2. Specifics of the pickup request - ask whether the pickup time should be adjusted to the new arrival time, and whether you need to resend flight details. This is a real, answerable question, not padding.
3. Acknowledgment of their process - offer to complete any required form or provide documentation. Institutional emails expect this.
4. A closing line with your name and a contact detail.

What NOT to do:

• Do not repeat the date change in three different phrasings.
• Do not add honorifics for their own sake - that inflates length while lowering quality.
• Do not invent details (flight numbers, times) you were not given; that creates factual inconsistency the marker will notice.

Judgement: The 200-word target is a proxy for 'developed appropriately for the purpose'. A 140-word email that covers reason, request, clarification, and courtesy is stronger than a 200-word one that says the same thing twice. Expand to the point where every sentence carries a distinct function, then stop.