Revising a Persuasive Paragraph Under Deadline
A student has drafted a four-sentence persuasive paragraph arguing that the school should start later. The draft reads: 'Students are tired. Many studies show that teenagers need more sleep. If school started at 9:00 a.m., students would be more alert. Therefore, the school should change its start time.' The teacher's feedback says the paragraph needs a clearer claim, at least one specific piece of evidence, and a stronger logical connection between the evidence and the recommendation. The student has 20 minutes and may revise only the existing four sentences, not add new ones. The student also wants to keep the paragraph under 80 words.
1. Identify the weakest sentence in the draft and explain, using the teacher's three criteria, why it is weakest.
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The first sentence, 'Students are tired,' is the weakest. It states a vague observation rather than a claim about what should be done, so it does not establish a clear position. It contains no specific evidence, only a general impression. And it has no logical link to the recommendation, because being tired does not by itself show that a later start time would help. The second sentence is stronger because it points to research, though it is still vague ('many studies'). The third sentence supplies a consequence, and the fourth states the recommendation. Revising the first sentence to name the problem and connect it to the proposal would improve all three criteria at once.
2. Rewrite the paragraph in four sentences under 80 words so that it satisfies the teacher's criteria, and explain the choices you made.
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A workable revision is: 'Teenagers' natural sleep cycles shift later during adolescence, so early start times often leave students sleep-deprived. Research on adolescent sleep consistently links later school start times with improved attendance and alertness. A 9:00 a.m. start would therefore give students time to sleep during the hours their bodies actually need. For these reasons, the school should move its start time to 9:00 a.m.' This version states a clear claim, supplies specific evidence about sleep cycles and outcomes, and uses 'therefore' and 'for these reasons' to connect evidence to the recommendation. It stays within four sentences and under 80 words, and it avoids the unsupported generalization in the original first sentence.