Opinion composition: a 180-word draft against a 120-150 word brief
The writing task reads: 'Your school magazine has asked for your opinion. Should mobile phones be banned during break time? Write 120-150 words in an appropriate register.'
A candidate submits the following, with no paragraph breaks, in 180 words:
'Nowadays, in my opinion, I think that mobile phones are a very controversial issue in all the world. Firstly, phones are bad because students don't talk to each other. Also they can be dangerous. On the other hand, phones are useful for calling parents. In conclusion, I believe that we must to find a balance. Moreover, social media addiction is a serious problem among teenagers today and many studies show that it affects sleep and concentration at school, which is why parents should control the use of screens at home.'
The mark grid gives 0-3 for each of: task achievement (does it answer the question in the required length?), coherence, cohesion, accuracy, range. Length outside 120-150 is penalised under task achievement.
1. Assign a band from 0 to 3 for each of the five criteria and justify each band with specific evidence from the draft.
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Task achievement: 1. The question is about phones during break; the final third drifts to parents controlling screens at home, and the draft is 180 words against a 120-150 brief. A position ('a balance') is named but never specified: what would the balance be?
Coherence: 1. No paragraphing, and the argument moves bad → useful → conclusion → a new topic. The conclusion appears before the last idea, which is a structural fault, not a stylistic one.
Cohesion: 1. 'On the other hand' has no preceding 'on the one hand'. 'Moreover' adds a point after the essay has already concluded. 'Also' is repeated.
Accuracy: 1. 'we must to find', 'in all the world', 'a very controversial issue in all the world', and the triple redundancy 'Nowadays, in my opinion, I think'.
Range: 1-2. Some topic vocabulary is present (social media addiction, concentration), but sentence patterns are short and repetitive, and there is no conditional or relative clause.
2. The candidate wants to fix the grammar first. Explain why that is the wrong priority, and identify the single change with the largest effect on the score.
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Grammar errors of this kind-'must to find', 'in all the world'-are local: a reader parses the sentence and moves on. They cost fractions of an accuracy band. The off-topic paragraph costs the essay its task-achievement band and pulls coherence down with it, because a reader cannot see why parent-controlled screen time belongs in an answer about break time. Task achievement is the gate: an essay that does not answer the question cannot be rescued by clean grammar.
The largest single change is therefore to cut the final sentence and replace it with a direct answer to the prompt. Second largest is the length: 180 words must come down to 120-150, which cutting that sentence largely achieves.
Sequence to advise: (1) answer the question, (2) paragraph it, (3) fix linkers, (4) check verbs and articles. Note that step 1 also fixes step 2, because an essay with a position usually finds a shape: position, reason, concession, conclusion.
3. Rewrite the opening and the closing of the composition so that the essay answers the prompt, stays within register, and leaves room for one body paragraph inside 120-150 words.
Read the worked answer
Opening (about 30 words): 'Our school has discussed banning phones during break, and I think a total ban would be a mistake. Breaks are short, and a phone is often the only way to reach a parent.'
Why it works: it names the question in the first clause, states a position in the second, and gives a reason immediately. No 'Nowadays', no 'controversial issue', no doubled opinion markers.
Closing (about 30 words): 'Phones should stay in bags during lessons and come out at break, provided students keep the volume down. A ban would punish everyone for the behaviour of a few.'
Why it works: it specifies the 'balance' the original only named, and it ends on the consequence of the alternative, which is what an opinion essay needs.
Budget check: 30 + 30 = 60 words, leaving 60-90 for one body paragraph of two or three sentences-for example, one sentence on the social cost of phones at break, one on their practical use. That lands the essay at about 135 words, inside the brief, with a shape a marker can see at a glance.