Composition: short script, clear opinion, weak range
A PAU writing task asks for 120–150 words on: 'Some secondary schools ban mobile phones during the school day. Do you agree?' A candidate writes 82 words: 'Nowadays mobile phones are very important for young people. In my opinion, phones should not be banned in classrooms because they are useful for learning. For example, we can use apps for vocabulary. Also, if there is an emergency, students can call their parents. However, some teachers say phones distract students. I think the school should make rules, not ban them. In conclusion, I believe phones are good if we use them responsibly.' The script has no paragraph breaks and repeats 'very' and 'good'. The rubric gives 4 points each for content, organisation, language and mechanics. The candidate finished in 12 minutes and did not plan.
1. Using the rubric, identify the two weakest criteria and justify your judgement with evidence from the script, including the word count.
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The weakest criterion is organisation. The script is one block with no paragraphing; the ideas are linked by simple addition ('Also', 'However', 'In conclusion') rather than grouped into an introduction, development and conclusion. The second weakest is content. The opinion is clear and relevant, but the script is 82 words against a 120–150 requirement, so development is thin: the emergency point and the distraction counterargument are mentioned but not explained. A typical profile would be content 2/4, organisation 1/4, language 2/4, mechanics 2/4. Language is limited by repetition ('very important', 'good') and simple sentence patterns; mechanics has at least one comma splice in 'students can call their parents, However'. The word-count shortfall is not automatically zero, but it limits task achievement.
2. Add one paragraph and revise the conclusion so the script reaches at least 120 words without changing the candidate's position. Keep your addition under 45 words.
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Possible addition (42 words): 'Admittedly, phones can distract students if they use social media in class. But a clear rule, such as phones face-down except during teacher-approved activities, solves this problem better than a total ban. It teaches responsible use rather than simply removing the device.' Revised conclusion: 'In conclusion, a regulated phone policy is more realistic than a ban because it protects learning and keeps students safe.' The addition supplies a developed counterargument and a concrete solution, which raises content; the conclusion stays consistent with the original position.
3. Name two language upgrades that would raise the language score and show the revised sentence.
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First, replace vague intensifiers with precise vocabulary: 'very important' becomes 'essential for everyday communication'. Second, combine short sentences to show control: 'Phones are useful for learning, and, if there is an emergency, students can contact their parents immediately.' This uses coordination and a conditional clause without changing the argument. A third possible upgrade is to vary the opinion phrase: instead of repeating 'I think' and 'I believe', use 'It seems to me that' once and 'Ultimately' once. These changes give the examiner evidence of range, not just accuracy.