Revising the Teen Center Paragraph
A student drafts this paragraph for an essay arguing that the town should fund a teen center: "The town should fund a teen center because teenagers need a place to go. Many teenagers are bored after school. A teen center would give them something to do. Also, the old hardware store on Main Street has been empty for two years. Studies show that after-school programs help students. Therefore, the town should fund a teen center." A peer reviewer says the paragraph repeats the claim and uses vague evidence. The student has room to add one researched fact and to revise or remove one sentence.
1. Identify the sentence that is least connected to the argument and explain what makes it weak.
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The sentence "Also, the old hardware store on Main Street has been empty for two years" is the least connected. It may be relevant later as a possible location, but in this paragraph it does not support the claim that the town should fund a teen center. An empty building does not show that teenagers need a place, that they are bored, or that a center would help. It is a detail about real estate, not about need or benefit. Removing it would tighten the paragraph; keeping it would require the student to explain the link, for example, "The vacant hardware store could house the center at low cost." Without that link, the sentence reads as an unrelated fact and weakens coherence.
2. The peer reviewer says the evidence is vague. Which revision would best strengthen the paragraph, and why?
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The best revision is to replace "Many teenagers are bored after school" or "Studies show that after-school programs help students" with a specific, sourced fact, such as: "In a 2023 survey of 200 local high school students, 64 percent said they had no supervised activity after school." This is stronger because it is local, specific, and measurable. It directly supports the need claim. By contrast, "Studies show" is an appeal to unnamed authority; the reader cannot check it or tell whether the studies apply to this town. A good answer should also note that the revision must match the claim: a national study about after-school programs supports a general benefit, while a local survey supports the claim that local teenagers lack options. The strongest revision uses the local number and keeps the national finding only if it is cited.
3. The paragraph begins and ends with the same claim. What is the problem, and how should the student revise the structure?
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The paragraph is circular: it starts with "The town should fund a teen center" and ends with "Therefore, the town should fund a teen center." The middle does not build a case so much as restate it. A stronger structure would be: (1) state the problem with specific evidence, such as local teens lacking supervised activities; (2) explain how a teen center addresses that problem; (3) offer evidence that similar programs work; and (4) conclude with a recommendation that follows from the evidence. The student should cut one of the repeated claim sentences and use the space for a concrete detail, such as cost, location, or a local statistic. The key judgement is that repetition feels like emphasis but does not add support; the conclusion should be earned by the evidence, not repeated.