Editing a Flawed Remittance Letter
The following draft has been prepared by a newly posted officer for issue to the currency chest that supplies the branch. It is reproduced exactly as written:
'Respected Sir, With reference to the above subject, we are bring to your kind notice that the remittance of Rs 1.20 crore which was send on 14th has not been received till date. The van was schedule to reach at 11 a.m. but due to some problem it is delay. Kindly do the needful and oblige. Also there is a shortage of two packets in the last consignment which we are informing now only. Thanking you, Branch Manager'
The chest manager wants a corrected version by the end of the day. The branch also wants the message to make two separate requests, each tied to a date, and it must read as a routine operational note rather than an appeal for a favour.
1. Identify the four most serious weaknesses in the draft and explain why each matters in a banking communication.
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1. Basic grammar and agreement errors. 'we are bring', 'which was send', 'was schedule', 'it is delay' are all malformed. This is not pedantry: the letter may later be produced as evidence in a dispute about when a remittance was reported missing, and garbled verbs create room to argue about what was actually said.
2. Unidentified transactions. '14th' has no month, and there is no consignment number, vehicle number or packet number for the shortage. A claim about Rs 1.20 crore that cannot be tied to a specific dispatch is administratively useless - the chest cannot trace it, and the branch cannot prove it raised the issue.
3. Two unrelated issues in one paragraph. Non-receipt of a whole remittance and a two-packet shortfall in an earlier consignment need different actions, different records and different deadlines. Merged into one block, one of them will be missed.
4. Wrong register and vague asks. 'due to some problem', 'Kindly do the needful and oblige', 'which we are informing now only', 'Thanking you' alone - these are deferential, imprecise and, in the case of the late-reported shortage, conceal a delay that should be stated openly with dates. A bank note should read: what happened, on what date, what is required, by when.
2. Rewrite the draft as a concise email of about 80–100 words, with a subject line.
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Subject: Non-receipt of remittance dated 14 [month] - Rs 1.20 crore; and short receipt of two packets
Dear Sir/Madam,
The remittance of Rs 1.20 crore dispatched on 14 [month] (consignment no. ____, vehicle no. ____) has not reached this branch as on [date]. The van was scheduled to arrive at 11:00 a.m. Please confirm the dispatch particulars and advise the expected time of arrival by [date and time].
The consignment received on [date] was short by two packets (packet nos. ____ and ____). We are sending a discrepancy memo separately and request that the missing packets be traced and forwarded by [date].
Please treat both matters as urgent.
[Name], Branch Manager, [Branch], [telephone]
Why this works: two numbered requests instead of one paragraph, every claim carries a date or a reference number, each ask has a deadline, and the tone is that of one office writing to another rather than a petitioner.
3. The officer proposes the sentence: 'The shortage of two packets is regretted by us and necessary action may be taken at the earliest.' Rewrite it in plain, active, precise English and explain what is wrong with the original.
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Rewrite: 'We regret the shortage of two packets in the consignment received on [date] and request that the missing packets be traced and forwarded by [date].'
What was wrong:
- 'is regretted by us' - a needless passive that pushes the writer into the background; the active 'we regret' is shorter and clearer.
- 'necessary action may be taken' - names no action, names no actor and sets no deadline. In an operational note the reader can only act on a specified step.
- 'at the earliest' - an elastic phrase that cannot be monitored or escalated; a date and time can be.
- The sentence also omits the consignment date, so the regret attaches to nothing identifiable.
Principle to apply: state the fact with its date, state the request in the active voice, and attach a deadline. That is the register the rest of the letter should follow.