Rewriting a Faulty Signal Draft for a Sector Commander
A junior clerk at a sector signal centre drafts a message for the Sector Commander's signature and hands it to the RO/RM on duty. The draft reads: 'It is humbly submitted that the VHF repeater at Point 14 is not working properly since last three days. The patrols are suffering and the matter is requested to be looked into by your good office. The repeater was repaired in the month of January by the firm who had installed it, and no spare battery is available with us, which is a serious problem. Kindly do the needful at the earliest.' The draft runs to 68 words. The Sector Commander wants a service message of not more than 40 words, in telegraphic style, stating the fault, the effect on operations and the specific action required, with a clear time frame. Two rewrites are placed before the RO: Version A - 'The repeater at Point 14 has not been working properly since three days, due to which patrols are suffering; the same may kindly be got repaired at the earliest by the concerned firm.' Version B - 'VHF repeater Pt 14 unserviceable three days. Patrol communications degraded; no spare battery held. Request technical team with battery by 12 Mar. Interim relay at Pt 12 approved.'
1. Identify at least five errors or weaknesses in the clerk's draft, correct each, and name the rule or reason behind the correction.
Read the worked answer
- 'since last three days' → 'for the last three days'. Since takes a point of time (since Monday, since 0900); for takes a duration. Mixing them is a common error and for is the right preposition here.
- 'not working properly' → 'unserviceable' or 'serviceable only intermittently'. A service message must be precise. 'Not working properly' could mean anything from weak audio to total failure, and the reader cannot act on it.
- 'The patrols are suffering' → state the effect measurably, e.g. 'patrol communications degraded'. 'Suffering' is an emotion, not an operational fact; no commander can size a problem from it.
- 'the matter is requested to be looked into by your good office' → 'Request technical team'. This is agentless passive plus deference. Service writing names the action and the agency; 'looked into' commits nobody to anything.
- 'in the month of January' → 'in January'. Redundancy; 'month of' adds nothing.
- 'the firm who had installed it' → 'the firm that installed it'. Use that for organisations and things, who for persons; the past perfect 'had installed' has no second past event to anchor it, so the simple past is correct.
- 'no spare battery is available with us, which is a serious problem' → recast as a separate statement. The relative 'which' here appears to refer to 'us', and calling something 'a serious problem' is a conclusion the sender does not need to draw - stating the shortage is enough.
- 'Kindly do the needful at the earliest' → delete. A cliché that specifies neither action nor deadline; replace with the specific request and a date.
2. Draft the message within the 40-word limit, count the words, and justify the choices you made.
Read the worked answer
Draft: 'VHF repeater Pt 14 unserviceable three days. Patrol communications degraded; no spare battery held. Request technical team with battery by 12 Mar. Interim relay at Pt 12 approved.'
Word count: VHF(1) repeater(2) Pt(3) 14(4) unserviceable(5) three(6) days(7) Patrol(8) communications(9) degraded(10) no(11) spare(12) battery(13) held(14) Request(15) technical(16) team(17) with(18) battery(19) by(20) 12(21) Mar(22) Interim(23) relay(24) at(25) Pt(26) 12(27) approved(28). That is 28 words, comfortably inside 40.
Justification:
- Fault - 'unserviceable three days' gives the equipment, the identification and the duration in four words.
- Effect - 'patrol communications degraded' states the operational consequence rather than a feeling.
- Action and time frame - 'Request technical team with battery by 12 Mar' names the resource, the deadline and the sender's expectation; nobody has to guess what 'do the needful' meant.
- Own action - 'Interim relay at Pt 12 approved' tells the commander the sender has not simply passed the problem upward.
- Articles, auxiliaries and honorifics are cut, which is normal telegraphic style; punctuation is kept so the sense stays unambiguous. Precedence and address are handled in the signal heading, not in the text, which is why they are absent here.
3. Compare Version A and Version B and say which should be issued, giving reasons that go beyond 'B is shorter'.
Read the worked answer
Version B should be issued. Length is the least important reason; the decisive differences are as follows.
- Agent and action. Version A asks that the repeater 'may kindly be got repaired … by the concerned firm'. The person who must act is unnamed, the firm is unnamed, and no date is given, so the message can be filed without anyone being tasked. Version B tasks a technical team with a battery and sets 12 Mar.
- Precision. 'Not working properly since three days' repeats the clerk's error and is factually loose. Version B's 'unserviceable three days' is a definite state and a definite period.
- Use of the sender's own authority. Version A only requests. Version B also records that an interim relay has been approved, which shows the sender has already acted - and it quietly tells the reader that a workaround exists.
- Tone. 'Kindly', 'your good office' and 'the concerned firm' belong to civil correspondence, not to a signal where the reader wants facts in the fewest words. Deference costs clarity; a correctly addressed service message is not rude because it is direct.
- Fit for medium. Signals are read under time pressure and often transmitted by voice over a marginal channel. Short sentences with one idea each survive noise and retransmission; Version A's long subordinate clause does not.
The one check before issue: confirm that 12 Mar is realistic and that a relay on Pt 12 does not conflict with the current frequency plan. A concise message that promises the impossible is worse than a vague one.