Tightening a Hurried Special Report
The shift officer has handed you his draft special report, typed in a hurry, which must go to the district office by the 22:30 despatch. It reads: 'At 21:40 hrs on 12 August, a crowd of approximately 40-45 persons gathered near Gate 2 and started shouting slogans. Neither the gate register nor the visitor slips was available at the desk. Having been informed by the sentry, the situation was brought under control by the shift team at 22:05 hrs. The crowd dispersed peacefully, no damage to property was reported. It is requested that the incident may kindly be taken on record and necessary action.' The gate log kept by the sentry records the dispersal at 21:55 hrs. The standing instruction is that every special report must state, in this order and in plain official English: what happened; what was done; what remains unverified; what action is proposed. Nothing may be struck out of the sentry's log, and no time may be altered without the shift officer's initials and a reason on file.
1. Identify four faults in the draft - two grammatical, one stylistic, one factual - and rewrite the sentence beginning 'Neither' in correct English.
Read the worked answer
Faults:
- Agreement: 'Neither the gate register nor the visitor slips was available.' With neither…nor the verb agrees with the nearer subject, 'slips', so it must be were.
- Dangling modifier: 'Having been informed by the sentry, the situation was brought under control.' The situation was not informed; the shift team was.
- Style: 'approximately 40-45' is doubly vague, and 'may kindly be taken on record' is archaic padding. A report states, it does not plead.
- Factual conflict: the draft says 22:05, the sentry's log says 21:55. One of them is wrong and the report cannot quietly pick one.
Rewrite: 'Neither the gate register nor the visitor slips were available at the desk; both had been removed for the shift change.' If the reason is unknown, write only: 'The gate register and the visitor slips were not available at the desk at 21:40.'
2. Rewrite the report in not more than 70 words, following the four-part order, and leaving the disputed dispersal time flagged rather than resolved.
Read the worked answer
Draft (64 words):
'Incident: at about 21:40 on 12 August, 40 to 45 persons gathered near Gate 2 and shouted slogans. The gate register and visitor slips were not at the desk. Action: the shift team, alerted by the sentry, dispersed the crowd; dispersal time is recorded as 21:55 in the gate log and 22:05 in the draft, to be reconciled. Unverified: how the register left the desk; whether any property was damaged. Proposed: verify both times with the shift officer, trace the register, and review lobby camera footage.'
The rewrite keeps the four headings, puts active verbs on the team's actions, and reports the time conflict instead of hiding it - which is what the standing instruction demands. Reconciling the times is recorded as a proposed action with the shift officer's initials to follow, not as an edit made silently at 22:20.
3. The officer wants two further edits: 'the crowd comprised of about forty persons' and 'the sentry lead the team to the gate'. Rule on each.
Read the worked answer
'Comprised of' - reject. 'Comprise' means to consist of and takes a direct object: 'the crowd comprised about forty persons'. If 'of' is wanted, the verb must change: 'was composed of' or 'consisted of'. Mixing the two produces the commonest error in official drafting.
'Lead' - reject. The past tense of 'lead' is 'led'. 'Lead' as a past tense is a different word (the metal) and a reading error in a report that may be produced in court or in an inquiry.
Rewrite both in one line: 'The crowd comprised about forty persons, and the sentry led the team to the gate.' Rule for the desk: no edit is made to a report after the despatch time unless the correction is initialled, timed and reasoned on the file - otherwise the tidy version becomes the only version, and the audit trail disappears.