Blog Paragraph Revision: Using Survey Data Without Overloading the Draft
Yui must write a 70–90-word paragraph for her school's English blog. The question is: 'Should our school replace paper notebooks with tablets for all students?' She has survey results from 120 students: 72 like tablets because bags are lighter; 58 say writing by hand helps them remember; 49 worry about battery life; 31 say tablets make it easier to search. Students could choose more than one answer. Her teacher requires four things: a clear opinion, one survey number, one personal example, and one sentence answering the opposite view. Yui's first draft is 112 words. It includes all four survey numbers, two personal stories, and no counterargument. She has 20 minutes and must leave 5 minutes to check spelling and word count. She wants to argue that paper notebooks should remain the main tool, but she does not want to sound old-fashioned.
1. What is the main problem with Yui's draft, and what should she cut first? Explain with the teacher's four requirements.
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The draft is 112 words, but the limit is 90, so at least 22 words must go. More importantly, the draft has no sentence answering the opposite view, which is a required element. The draft also uses all four survey numbers and two personal stories. The fix is to keep one number that supports her opinion and one personal example, then add a counterargument sentence. For her claim that paper should remain the main tool, the strongest number is 58-students saying handwriting helps memory. The 72 who like lighter bags is the opposite view, so it should be answered, not used as support. Cutting the battery and search numbers and one story saves enough words.
2. Write a model paragraph of 70–90 words that meets all four requirements.
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I think our school should keep paper notebooks as the main tool. In our survey, 58 of 120 students said writing by hand helps them remember. I also remember formulas better when I write them myself before a test. Some students say tablets make bags lighter, and that is true. However, we can use tablets for search and still keep notebooks for daily practice. This gives us both clear memories and lighter bags.
3. Yui has only 10 minutes left and cannot rewrite. She adds one sentence to her draft: '72 students like tablets, so tablets are better.' Why does this fail the teacher's counterargument requirement?
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It fails because it simply repeats the opposite data and then draws the opposite conclusion. The teacher asked for one sentence answering the opposite view, not one sentence agreeing with it. If Yui writes '72 students like tablets, so tablets are better,' she contradicts her own opinion and gives no reason to keep notebooks. A better counterargument sentence acknowledges the point but limits it: 'Although 72 students like lighter bags, 58 still say handwriting helps them remember, so tablets can support search without replacing daily writing.' This answers the objection and keeps her claim.