Thirty-Three Words and Ten Minutes Left
Riku is drafting an 80-100 word opinion paragraph for a timed writing task. The prompt asks: 'Should school clubs meet on Sundays?' His draft reads: 'I think school clubs should not meet on Sunday. First, students need rest. Second, family time is important. Also, teachers work hard. For these reasons, I disagree.' The draft is 33 words. His teacher says the paragraph has a position but no development, and that the phrase 'For these reasons, I disagree' repeats the opening without advancing the argument. Riku has ten minutes left. He wants to add one concrete example from his own club, which practices six days a week, and he must stay within the word limit. He also worries that saying 'teachers work hard' is too general to count as a reason.
1. Identify two weaknesses in the draft and explain whether adding the club example fixes them.
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Weakness one: the reasons are labels, not support. 'Students need rest' and 'family time is important' could support almost any anti-school activity; they do not show why Sunday club meetings specifically are harmful. Weakness two: the closing sentence repeats the opening ('I think ... should not' / 'I disagree') instead of drawing a conclusion from the reasons. Adding the club example can fix the first weakness if it is used as evidence, not decoration: 'My club already practices six days a week; a Sunday session would leave no day for recovery.' It does not fix the second weakness by itself. The paragraph still needs a conclusion that follows from the example, such as 'A seventh day would reduce the quality of practice, not increase it.' Also, 'teachers work hard' remains too general unless tied to a specific effect, such as extra supervision without extra pay.
2. Rewrite the paragraph to 80-100 words. Keep Riku's position, use one concrete example, and replace the repeated closing.
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I think school clubs should not meet on Sunday. My club already practices six days a week, and many members use Sunday to recover and to study. Without that day, we would arrive at Monday practice tired, so the extra session would lower the quality of our training rather than improve it. Sunday is also the only full day many families can spend together. Teachers need that time to prepare lessons and to rest. For these reasons, Sunday meetings would cost more than they add. (89 words) Reasoning: the example now supports a causal claim, not just a list. The conclusion 'cost more than they add' advances the argument instead of repeating 'I disagree'. The family and teacher points remain, but each is tied to a consequence. The word count is within range; if a student writes 105 words, cut the teacher sentence rather than the example, because the example is the only specific support.