Writing: Turning Details into Two Signalled Reasons within a Word Limit
Writing prompt: 'Write 25–35 words in English about one place in Tokushima that you want visitors to see. Give two reasons.' The class has 20 minutes, dictionaries are allowed, and Japanese is not allowed in the answer.
Mai's draft:
'I want visitors to see Mt. Bizan. It is beautiful. You can see the city. You can eat sudachi. I like it.'
Her teacher says the draft has a place but the two reasons are not clearly connected, and the word count is below the minimum. Mai protests, 'But I gave three details, so I have more than two reasons.' The rubric awards points for content (place plus two reasons), organization (clear connectors), and length (25–35 words). Mai wants to keep every detail because she thinks deleting anything will lose points.
1. Count the words in Mai's draft and decide whether it meets the length requirement. Explain how you counted.
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The draft is 22 words:
I(1) want(2) visitors(3) to(4) see(5) Mt.(6) Bizan(7). It(8) is(9) beautiful(10). You(11) can(12) see(13) the(14) city(15). You(16) can(17) eat(18) sudachi(19). I(20) like(21) it(22).
It is below the 25-word minimum, so it loses length points even though it has content. Punctuation does not count as words, and 'Mt.' counts as one word. Mai does not need to add decoration; she needs to connect and extend her reasons so the reader can see the logic. A useful check is to count once after drafting and once after revising, because adding a connector such as 'because' changes the total.
2. Revise the draft to 25–35 words with two clearly signalled reasons. Explain what you cut or added and why.
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Model revision (31 words):
'I want visitors to see Mt. Bizan because they can enjoy a beautiful view of Tokushima City. Also, they can reach the top by ropeway, so it is easy for everyone.'
Changes:
- I kept the place and the view idea but combined 'It is beautiful' and 'You can see the city' into one reason: the view.
- I replaced 'You can eat sudachi' with the ropeway, because eating sudachi is not a reason to visit the mountain; it is a separate attraction.
- I added 'because,' 'Also,' and 'so' so the two reasons are easy to find.
- I cut 'I like it' because it is an opinion without a reason and used up words.
3. Mai says three details equal more than two reasons. Evaluate her claim using her own draft.
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Mai's claim is not correct. A detail becomes a reason only when it answers 'Why should visitors see this place?' and is connected to the place. In her draft, 'It is beautiful' and 'You can see the city' are two aspects of the same reason: the view from Mt. Bizan. They are not two separate reasons. 'You can eat sudachi' is a detail about Tokushima food, not about Mt. Bizan, so it does not support the choice of place. 'I like it' is a personal feeling with no explanation. Three details can therefore contain only one clear reason. The revision test is to ask, 'Does each reason have its own because/also link to the place?'