Revising a Sentence About School Start Times
During a writing conference, a student shares this draft paragraph: 'Many students are sleep deprived. The school board should move start times to 8:30 a.m. because research shows teens need more sleep. This change would help students focus in first period. They say it would disrupt bus schedules, but the district can adjust routes.' The teacher notes three issues: the pronoun 'They' has no clear antecedent, the phrase 'research shows' does not name the research, and the paragraph does not address a major counterargument-after-school activities. The student has a 250-word limit for the final paragraph and wants to keep the argument concise. The class rubric awards points for clear pronoun reference, relevant evidence, and an acknowledged counterclaim.
1. Revise the sentence beginning 'They say...' to make the pronoun reference clear and to maintain a formal tone. Explain how your revision fixes the problem.
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Revised sentence: Critics say the change would disrupt bus schedules, but the district can adjust routes.
The problem is that 'They' has no antecedent in the paragraph. It could refer to students, the school board, parents, or bus drivers, and each possibility changes the argument. Replacing 'They' with 'Critics' supplies a clear noun and also names the role of the people making the objection. The revision keeps the rebuttal ('but the district can adjust routes') intact, so the student does not lose the counterargument structure. 'Critics' is formal enough for an academic paragraph without being vague. If the student knew the specific group-for example, 'transportation officials'-that would be even more precise, but 'Critics' is a defensible minimum revision. Clear pronoun reference is not cosmetic; it tells the reader who is making the claim the writer is answering.
2. The student wants to replace 'research shows' with a more specific phrase. Write a revised sentence and explain why specificity matters for the rubric's evidence criterion.
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Revised sentence: A 2019 study of 30,000 high school students found that later start times were associated with more sleep and better attendance.
Specificity matters because 'research shows' is a placeholder, not evidence. It asks the reader to trust an unnamed source. Naming the kind of study, the number of students, and the finding gives the audience something to evaluate and shows that the writer is not inventing support. The rubric's evidence criterion rewards relevant, credible support, and a specific source is more credible than a vague appeal. The revised sentence also stays concise, which matters under the 250-word limit. One caution: the student should not invent a study. If the actual source is a summary or an organization's report, the sentence should name that accurately-for example, 'A 2021 report from the district's health advisory group found...' The judgment is to prefer a truthful specific source over an impressive-sounding but unsupported phrase.
3. The paragraph does not address after-school activities. Write a sentence the student could add to acknowledge this counterargument, and explain whether it should go before or after the bus-schedule sentence.
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A sentence the student could add: Some families worry that a later dismissal would collide with sports and jobs, but districts that have made the change have staggered bus routes and shifted practice times.
This sentence should go after the bus-schedule sentence, not before it. Both sentences are counterarguments, so grouping them keeps the paragraph organized: first the writer acknowledges the objections, then answers them. Placing the after-school sentence before the bus sentence would separate two related concerns and make the rebuttals feel scattered. The added sentence also does necessary work under the rubric because it names a specific counterclaim rather than offering a generic concession. It does not pretend the concern is unimportant; it answers with a practical response. If the student needed to save words, the sentence could be shortened to 'Some worry about sports and jobs, but districts have shifted practice times,' but the full version is clearer and still within the word limit.